


I Will Follow You Into The Dark

by Xairathan



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/F, High School AU, Kawoshin (mentioned), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 01:51:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8948905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xairathan/pseuds/Xairathan
Summary: Written as a birthday gift to the best Angel on the planet. Happy birthday!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a birthday gift to the best Angel on the planet. Happy birthday!

There's certain things one comes to expect, being friends with Asuka. For Rei, Asuka tumbling in through her open window is one of them. It's an occurrence that happens enough to be expected, yet not so frequently as to be called regular. The reason for it is always the same, though: Asuka's father has been fighting with her stepmother over some trivial thing or another, and Asuka needs a place that's quiet enough to allow her to rest.

Rei drops her pen on her desk, covered with homework, and darts to the window. Asuka is picking herself up, dusting off her clothes. She lifts her head slowly, like she's hesitant to meet Rei's eyes, but she does.

"You didn't call me this time." Rei says this like she would say the punch line of some joke- mildly, with a hint of laughter. It's forced, as is this reaction; she knows the only times Asuka comes over like this, without announcing her arrival, is when things at her place have escalated too quickly for her to react to. There's an inherent wrongness to these sorts of nights, which themselves have become more common as they've aged. They used to be, back when Asuka and Rei were still in junior high, a once-a-semester occurrence. Rei remembers the first time Asuka came through her window, schoolbag over one shoulder, and flopped face-first onto her floor. They'd laughed it off, congratulated Asuka on her boldness, and Asuka had slept over.

Her parents never noticed she was gone. By Asuka's accounts, they never have, and they're juniors now. As long as she gets herself to school the next day, no one will ever know. It's crossed Rei's mind, and no doubt Asuka's too, that she could simply walk off into the night and never be seen again.

It'd be a very Asuka thing to do.

And yet, it wouldn't be. Doing so involves leaving Rei, and that isn't something Rei can see coming from Asuka. After all, they've been Asuka and Rei since they were young- inseparable.

Even in times like this.

Asuka's already situated herself at the foot of Rei's bed, a stricken look on her face. "I forgot my things," she mutters to herself. "Shit."

"What?" Rei asks. Her mind is already reverting back to what it was doing before, focusing on homework. That's telling enough in itself, that she can process another of Asuka's arrivals as part of a routine. But this- Asuka forgetting- isn't part of that. "What did you forget? You have a toothbrush here-"

"My bag. My books. Everything for tomorrow." Asuka pounds a fist against the wooden flooring. "Shit. I'll go back. See, this is why I didn't text you. I knew I'd be leaving when I got here." Asuka flashes Rei a grin and starts to stand, only for Rei to spin around, take two steps, and tower over her.

"Asuka Langley Soryu. It is midnight. I'm not letting you go wandering around at midnight."

"How do you think I got here in the first place?"

"You're staying. Period." Rei kneels, keeping her gaze level with Asuka's. "If you really want, I'll go with you tomorrow to get your things from your house. But not tonight. Okay?"

"Yes, mother." Asuka's mouth twitches, eyes rolling towards the ceiling. They both know what Asuka means: that Rei, being herself, is a better parent than the woman Asuka's father chose to marry. Or maybe, Rei thinks, it means that Asuka's chosen Rei to fill the spot in her heart where her family should reside.

It's a stupid thing to hope for, and yet Rei does it anyway. She'll hope for the things Asuka cannot- that one day her parents will stop fighting, that one day she'll smile as she comes through the bedroom window, that Asuka will allow herself to find happiness. This for Asuka, and one thing for herself- that maybe one day, should Asuka ever grow discontent with her boyfriend, that Rei might have a chance with her.

Asuka yawns, stretches, vaults herself onto Rei's bed. The sheets scatter around her as she lands, spreading herself across the entire surface. "Hey," Rei protests. "At least change out of your shirt before you do that."

"It's too warm," Asuka groans.

"I told you to leave something other than your sweatshirt here." Rei leans over, reaching into her closet, to extract the red sweatshirt they've designated as Asuka's sleep-over shirt. She tosses it in Asuka's general direction, hears Asuka's grunt of protest as one of the sleeves smacks against her face.

"Fine, fine. Geez. Only 'cause it's your bed, though." Asuka sits up, pulling her shirt over her shoulders with both hands. Rei has to whip back around, hiding the pink that's crept onto her cheeks, but not before she's caught a glimpse of tan skin and the freckles on Asuka's back. It's then Rei knows she won't be doing anything else productive tonight, not when Asuka is here to distract her. Even then, it's a welcome distraction.

"Alright," Rei says. "I'm done. I'll finish the rest in math tomorrow." 

"I still don't get how you do that. How do you do homework in math and still have an A in the class?"

"It's called, 'I can't be a cheerleader so I compensate by studying math all afternoon'."

"Low blow, Rei," Asuka laughs, moving over to make room for Rei on the bed. "You know the cheerleading squad wouldn't be shit without me."

"Yes. You tell me this every week."

They laugh, Rei slightly softer than Asuka, so she can savor the sound of it. Asuka adjusts herself on the bed, lying face-up. "Hey," she says. "Do you think Shinji's still awake?"

"Probably not," Rei answers. "He's started going to sleep early."

"Can I use your bathroom?"

"Do you even need to ask?"

"It's called being polite." Asuka rolls off the edge, treading lightly across the room. "I might be a while, yeah? Don't stay up for me."

"Should I be worried?"

"Only if you hear sirens." Asuka winks, wrenches the door open, then slips from sight. Rei shakes her head, resting herself against the pillow. More likely than anything, Asuka's just exaggerating, or using the restroom as an excuse to check her phone. Another habit of Asuka's- no matter how abrasive she may be, she still takes Rei into consideration.

Rei sighs, settling against the mattress. She hears, above the rushing of the cars outside, the click of the bathroom door closing. Through hazy eyes she registers the clock on her bedside changing time, the red display now reading '12:15 am'. "Don't take too long," she mumbles absentmindedly. "It's warmer when you're here." She imagines Asuka smiling as she replies. She imagines Asuka returning, and their fingers joining together under the covers.

* * *

It's always puzzled Asuka that it's Rei's place, and not her boyfriend's, that she travels to whenever she needs to get away. It makes sense; she's known Rei for far longer than she's been dating Akio, but being her boyfriend, wouldn't he receive her as happily as well?

Asuka shakes her head, staring at her reflection in the mirror. In the end, it's Rei who brings more comfort to her, not Akio. She'd gone over to his place once, during the summer when Rei was away with her family. On that occasion he'd offered her a cigarette and told her to smoke it off, then lit one himself.

They'd sat together on his porch, bathed in a stillness that unnerved Asuka more than the shouting of her parents. She'd sworn then that she'd never repeat this, to avoid places that were quieter than Rei could ever be, and never again burn herself from the inside out. Ashes coating her skin is one thing; ashes inside her lungs is another.

Asuka's stomach churns violently. She blinks blearily at herself, trying to remember whether she ate or not before she left home. Before she can reach a conclusion, her knees give, and she's crawling over to raise the toilet seat and balance herself over the edge. Her gut burns; her throat burns; the wood of the sink cabinet is cool against her cheek and the clamminess of her skin.

After a while Asuka stands, flushing the toilet and wiping her mouth, to wash herself off in the sink. She hopes Rei isn't still awake, waiting for her. If she is, if Asuka will have to face her- no. It isn't something she should worry over. Rei will be asleep, Asuka will slip in beside her, and it'll all be fine.

Asuka exits the bathroom, tiptoeing her way to Rei's room. She knows by heart just how far to open the door to allow herself to slide past, how to close it so it won't make a sound. As predicted, Rei is already asleep, lying with her arms crossed over her stomach. Asuka navigates around the foot of the bed, eyes locked on Rei's face. It isn't that there's something about the way the moon falls upon her that makes her irresistible to look at, Asuka tells herself, she's just making sure Rei doesn't wake up and see her.

Rei's pulled most of the covers over to her side of the bed, leaving Asuka with the corner, but it'll be alright. Asuka, in her sweatshirt, is warm enough already. Her eyes fall upon Rei's clock as she rolls over, and to her surprise it's already three in the morning. They'll have to leave in three hours if they want to stop by Asuka's house and still get to school on time. It isn't enough time to sleep; Asuka knows this, but the knowledge fails to affect her. If anything it makes her want to stay awake, maybe see if she can puzzle out the mystery of the moonlight and Rei's face.

Asuka moves closer to Rei, angling herself so the light from the window will pass over her. She sees the smoothness of Rei's skin, how the hair around Rei's ears shifts as she breathes. There's no mystery here, just a girl who happens to be Asuka's best friend, asleep. Under her corner of the bed sheet, Asuka feels the nails of one hand pinching at the fingers of the other, picking at the dead skin around her nails. She'll stay like this until Rei wakes or she falls asleep, whichever comes first.

* * *

Today, so far, has been unremarkable. Unremarkable days do not start with waking up at 6 AM to retrieve a forgotten bag, and yet this one has. Rei had woken up early, pulled a drowsy Asuka out of bed, and the two of them made it to school before the first bell rang- a victory, if it could be counted as one.

It's lunch, and Rei finds herself wedged between Asuka and Shinji on a bench that's far too small to accommodate the four of them. It's how they always sit- one side of the lunch table to themselves; Asuka and Kaworu on the edges, Rei and Shinji in the middle. They've sat like this since freshman year: Rei presumes the specific order has to do something with keeping Asuka far away from Kaworu to allow him a running start should he annoy her.

That hasn't been a problem recently, though. Kaworu's been too focused on Shinji to do much other than talk to him, and Asuka hasn't been given proper reason to start chasing him around the school. It's an agreeable truce, if a fragile one.

Rei looks over at Asuka, who's staring blankly at a crack in the table. She's got her chin propped up with both hands, elbows braced against the wooden surface. Of course- when Asuka had grabbed her stuff, there hadn't been time to make a lunch.

"Asuka. Here." Rei nudges her friend's elbow, holding out half of her peanut butter sandwich. Asuka's eyes flick away from the table to Rei's face, staring blankly at her. "You don't have a lunch, do you?"

"I'm fine," Asuka says. "I'm not hungry."

"You have cheerleading practice later, don't you? You need to eat something." Rei shakes the sandwich in Asuka's general direction. "If you don't, I'll follow you to practice and recite all the embarrassing things you've done since we were kids."

"You wouldn't," Asuka mumbles. Rei simply raises an eyebrow, a gesture that Asuka knows means she's serious. "Fine," she huffs, lifting the sandwich to her mouth. "But only because there's no jelly."

"Since when did I ever put jelly in my sandwiches?" Rei watches Asuka nibble at the sandwich, starting with the corners. There's something different about her movements today; Asuka seems slower, like she's left half of herself behind in Rei's bed when she woke up in the morning. There are shadows under her eyes too, perhaps the beginnings of bags, but when all she has to listen to are her parents fighting, maybe that's not too unexpected, either.

"Rei?" Shinji taps on Rei's shoulder. "How old were we when we learned to ride bikes? Kaworu wants to know."

"We were seven. You fell and skinned your knee on the sidewalk, and Asuka laughed at you until her stomach hurt. She told me we should get you a tricycle instead."

"R-right..."

Kaworu bursts out in a fit of laughter as Shinji lifts his hands, explanations tumbling from his lips. Rei smiles, turning back to Asuka, and pauses. The other girl is gone, as is the sandwich, and as Rei looks around she catches a glimpse of Asuka vanishing into the girl's bathroom.

"Where'd Asuka go to?" Shinji asks, almost as if he's read Rei's mind.

"Restroom. She's probably just splashing water on herself or something. She got up early today." Rei shrugs, her awkward excuses cut through cleanly by the sound of the bell, signaling the start of the next set of classes. "Don't worry about her. It's Asuka."

"Right."

Shinji smiles, taking Kaworu by the arm as they head off. Rei lingers for a moment, eyes watching the bathroom entrance. Asuka couldn't have slipped out; she'd been watching the entire time she was talking to Shinji. Which would mean...

Someone jostles Rei's shoulder as they walk past, disturbing her thoughts. Whatever Asuka's reasons for disappearing were, Rei is reading too much into them. She shakes her head, stuffing her lunch box into her backpack and hoisting it on her shoulders. She'll ask Asuka after school, if she can catch her before cheer practice starts. That way, if Shinji asks again, Rei will have an answer to offer him. Or, more importantly, so Rei will have an answer for the question that keeps nagging at her.

* * *

The advantage of being Rei Ayanami is that no one will take you for a liar. Rei hasn't lied, not necessarily: the told her biology teacher she needed to go to the restroom, and she's going. She hadn't specified why.

Rei sucks in a breath, pushing the bathroom door open. She'll just step inside, see if anyone's there- if Asuka is there- and if she's not, she'll go back to class. Either way, that nagging feeling in her gut so reminiscent of butterflies will go away.

Even before the door has opened, Rei can hear it- the sounds of someone being sick. Her eyes sweep across the stalls, all of them vacant except one. Rei sees, beneath the partitions, the familiar beaten-white of Asuka's only pair of sneakers.

The retching noises stop as soon as Rei's shoes squeak on the tiles. Rei imagines Asuka tensing behind the door, afraid of being caught in a moment of weakness. "Asuka," Rei says softly. "It's just me."

"Go away!" Asuka snaps. Her voice sounds hoarse, not like how it had just been during lunch. "I'm fine."

"You're sick. It's because you haven't eaten anything until now, isn't it? I'll go get a teacher-"

"No!" Asuka's frantic shout lapses into coughing and spitting; Rei thinks, amidst the cacophony, she might've heard the slap of Asuka's hand lashing out against one of the stalls. "I'm fine. It's nothing serious."

"Asuka, you can't go to practice like this. You shouldn't be here if you're sick."

"I'm not sick!"

"Then come out of there already."

"No." Asuka's sneakers shift, gathering closer to the base of the toilet- Asuka must be trying to stand. "No. I'm fine. Just believe me."

"Asuka. You're not fine." Rei approaches the stall, placing her hand on the door. Even from here she can hear the uneven sawing of Asuka's breathing, which echoes loudly off the walls. "Asuka, open the door."

"N-no."

"You do realize I can just crawl under, right?" Rei hears the creak of something moving; no doubt by now Asuka's realized the futility of continuing to protest. And anyway, it's only Rei.

Rei watches the lock on the stall door turn, slowly squeaking open. A single push, and Rei can see inside. She catches Asuka looking away from her, hand wiping at the edges of her mouth. "Asuka. Are you alright? It wasn't the sandwich, was it? If it was, I might have the same prob-" Her voice fades as Asuka shuffles to the side, almost deferentially. Rei squints down into the toilet bowl like she's contemplating some great puzzle, though really, the answer should be obvious.

"Asuka?" Rei asks, lifting her head. Her voice sounds oddly level, like she's forcing her usual calmness through it. "Is that blood?" Asuka nods jerkily, takes another step back so she can support herself against the stall. "Do you need me to get-"

"No!" This time Asuka reaches out, grabbing Rei's hand. Something unfamiliar flashes behind her blue eyes- not fear, but desperation. "No one can know. I'll be fine. Don't tell anyone. Not even Shinji. No one, okay?"

Asuka narrows her eyes, glaring at Rei with half-lidded eyes. Rei thinks she looks as though, if Rei refuses her request, they might physically fight, something they haven't done in all their years of friendship. And yet it's not this threat that Rei will answer to, but the tears tugging at the edges of Asuka's eyes, slipping free of her shattered composure to drip down her cheeks.

"Alright," Rei says. "I won't tell anyone. But... you have to talk to me. Okay?"

"F-fine." Asuka shakes her head and coughs, once. "I'm done anyway."

She pivots on one foot, pushing the flushing mechanism with the other. Asuka doesn't need to watch her blood swirl away and vanish, although Rei seems to be fascinated by this morbid sight. She starts toward the sinks, only for Rei to lift her arm and bar the way.

"Asuka. You don't have to say anything now, but we will talk about this."

"Later. Go back to class, Rei." Asuka reaches out, pushing Rei's arm out of the way, and strides towards the door. Rei hears it swing open and shut, hears Asuka's footsteps retreating towards her next class.

Rei stays in the bathroom for a while more, staring at the place where Asuka touched her. She thinks about cheer practice; she thinks about the blood, something that shouldn't be there; she thinks about the tremor in Asuka's hand, weakly pushing her away.


	2. Chapter 2

It's taken a week, but things appear to have gone back to normal. Rei hasn't caught Asuka fleeing to the restroom again, though that in itself means nothing. Asuka has never been one to regard her own well-being seriously aside from what others think of her, and she's always been good at hiding things.

Rei sighs and twirls a pencil between her fingers. How is she supposed to do her homework when all she can do is worry about Asuka? They haven't talked about the incident like Rei suggested they would. It isn't just something Rei can bring up, nor does Asuka seem eager to recall it. Is that in itself a sign of guilt, or does Asuka want as much as Rei to move past this?

Of course, there's the question that looms over it all- how long has this been going on?

Rei places her pencil in her textbook and closes it, resting her head in her hands. She'll bring it up with Asuka tomorrow, she decides. She'll catch Asuka in the locker rooms before cheer practice and talk to her then. That way, Asuka won't be able to run off so easily. Which leaves the manner of how to bring things up- odds are, she'll have to get straight to it.

Rei's cell phone begins to ring, a sharp trilling sound that shatters her thoughts. Her hands scramble across the desk, sorting through the scattered papers to find it. Her fingers brush against the green 'call' button, and suddenly Asuka's voice is spilling out into the room in an incoherent jumble. She sounds distant, like she and her phone are on opposite sides of the room, but even Rei can't mistake the sounds of an argument.

Rei's fear is recognized, then. The near-nightly arguments in Asuka's must have spilled over; Asuka's involved herself now. It'll be another thing that Rei will have to worry about, another reason for Asuka's already thin patience to wear down-

No, that isn't right. Rei presses her phone closer to her ear, shutting her eyes to concentrate on the sounds. That's Asuka's voice for sure, but the other one...

Akio. It has to be. His is the only voice that grates at Rei's ears; she can recognize it despite its faintness. What he's doing at Asuka's house is something Rei doesn't want to consider. She wonders instead why Asuka would've called her for this, unless Asuka needs her to hear something that hasn't yet been said?

The voices are moving away now- Rei would guess they're retreating down the hall, or rather, perhaps Asuka is advancing on Akio. She hears the slam of Asuka's door shutting, and then a scratching silence. It would seem they've gone somewhere else to continue this argument.

Rei lets the silence continue on for a minute, ears straining to hear any further noise, but there's nothing. She's forced to accept that nothing more will come to her and hang up, leaving her to drown in an even louder silence. Here's another thing for herself to ponder- had she been meant to hear that, or was this some strange attempt of Asuka's to do something?

There's no point in merely wondering. A simple text won't give Rei the answers she needs; Asuka's off with Akio, and even if she isn't, she's left her phone behind. If she wants answers, she'll have to go to Asuka's; run at that, in case Asuka's decided she'll make the reciprocal journey to Rei's. If anything, it'll be an outlet for the nervous energy buzzing within her.

Rei stands, the legs of her chair scraping loudly against the floor. She debates leaving a note behind, should Shinji or her mother come to check on her and find her gone. But then again, hardly anyone ever checks in on her. Being Rei means being the perfect daughter, the model student, the quiet girl in the back of the class. No one would ever expect Rei to climb out her window, muddying her sneakers with the dirt clumped around the house, to wander the streets after dark.

The voices from before echo in Rei's head as she pulls on a sweater and her shoes. She hadn't been able to make out the words, but she worries now for Asuka's sake. For Asuka to lose Akio is to lose the only stable relationship she's been able to keep for longer than a month, and once that's gone the rest of her carefully constructed personality will start to fall apart. Rei's seen this happen before when Asuka's mother died; she knows well enough how fragile Asuka really is. If one of them is leaving the other, Rei wants to be there.

She slides open her window and eases out into the warm autumn night. Out here the world is at peace and nothing's wrong; if Asuka has slipped out under the stars then everything must be fine. But Rei knows better: the quiet is just an interlude, and any reassurance she may feel is a lie.

Rei walks around her house, latching the gate shut behind her, and steps out onto the sidewalk. Above her the moon has reached its peak, bathing the street and the parallel rows of houses in silver. There's a chance Asuka's already on her way. There's a chance she's made up with Akio, and Rei's arrival will be an unwelcome one. But in the event that neither of these have happened, Rei will be there. That is, after all, what best friends do.

Rei sucks in a breath, lets it rattle through her lungs. Down the street, in the light from the moon above, she sees the line of trees that mark the avenues from the main roads; the unofficial entry into her neighborhood. Make a left turn past that, and a few miles down will be Asuka's place, again just off the main street. Asuka will be there, Rei hopes- she's not sure what she wants of Akio. Whatever outcome results in Asuka's happiness, she decides, will content her as well. And with that the puzzle is solved: it seems Asuka and Akio will stay together, Rei's visit will have been for nothing, and everything will be alright. The silence of the night seems to agree to this, until it's broken by the sound of sneakers on concrete- Rei, running to Asuka's house, the street lights and the glowing neon signs from the storefronts lighting her way.

* * *

Going through Asuka's window is nothing like going through Rei's. Rei's window lies close to the ground, more of a shoulder-height than anything. Asuka's is high up, a square little pane that's older than Asuka herself. Tonight it's open, which will spare Rei the trouble of calling Asuka's attention to her. Rei jumps, fingers hooking over the windowsill, and scrambles up the wall.

She topples into Asuka's room headfirst, immensely grateful that Asuka's bed lies right below the window. That's the thing about Asuka- she's averse to change. She'd placed her bed under the window some seven years ago, the first time Rei came over, and kept it there since. Rei likes to think of it this way- Asuka hasn't moved the bed for anyone else.

This time there's no startled protest, as there usually is when Rei arrives unannounced. The room, in fact, is vacant: it looks as though Asuka's merely stepped out for a glass of water, and Rei's caught her in the moments before her return. Only, Asuka's cell phone is still on the desk where Rei assumes she's left it, and there's no sign of Akio. So he's gone, then, and from the silence Rei guesses Asuka's parents have gone to sleep, or are otherwise occupied.

Rei walks over to the door and pulls it open slightly, poking her head into the hall. Again, no one- but the bathroom door is shut. They've been crossing paths in bathrooms far too frequently for Rei's liking. She knows what she's likely to find behind that door and loathes herself for it- both for assuming the worst of Asuka, and for knowing she's probably right.

She walks over to the door, tapping it gently with her knuckles. Something clatters to the tiles just behind the door; she hears Asuka's sharp intake of breath and the creak of the door between them. "Go away," Asuka hisses, her voice high and strained.

"It's Rei."

"Rei?" Shadows move under the door: Asuka, shifting around. "What are you doing-"

There's another sound, this one coming from the opposite end of the hall, footsteps. Judging by their pace, Rei guesses it's Asuka's father. She takes a step back, preparing to dart into Asuka's room and find a place to hide. The bathroom door opens instead, and Asuka's hand shoots out to yank her inside. The knob turns, the lock clicks into place; it happens so fast that Rei barely registers that Asuka's moved at all.

"You shouldn't have come over here," Rei hears Asuka say. "I'm fine."

"Why did you call me?"

"I didn't." Asuka, still facing away from Rei, folds her arms over her stomach and stares at the door. "My phone must've done that on its own."

"I figured."

Asuka remains silent, another indication that something's wrong. Perhaps it's as Rei feared, and Asuka is no longer with Akio, though she can't be sure- bringing it up to ask Asuka will only drive the knife in deeper.

Rei's eyes sink downward, focus on the red flecks in the tiles. It would seem Asuka's parents have had the floor re-done; those weren't there the last time she came. It's odd, but it's not what she came here for.

"Asuka?" Rei asks, taking a small step towards her. "Why are you in the bathroom?"

"I wasn't throwing up, if that's what you're thinking." The portion of Asuka's face that Rei can see scrunches up: her eyes are puffy and red; she looks like she might cry or lash out. Maybe shatter the mirror with her fist; maybe sink to the floor and sob until her tears dot the tiles so much as to be a new decoration.

"What are you doing in here, then?"

"Nothing. I was using the restroom."

"It didn't sound like you were."

"What, are you my stalker now?" For a moment, the Asuka Rei knows is back- her eyes flick up towards the ceiling, her telltale sign of being annoyed. "You probably know, don't you? That Akio came over."

"I heard. That's why I came." Rei's gaze drops again to the floor. She can't manage to look Asuka in the eye when talking about Akio; she wonders if Asuka's noticed this already. Rei shuffles her feet nervously, and the red flecks smear beneath her shoes.

Rei looks up, and she knows Asuka's seen it, too. The faint color on her face has fled; she's nearly as pale as Rei. The only brightness comes from her eyes, fixated on Rei's, and what they shine with now is fear.

"Asuka?" Rei begins. She thinks she already knows the answer. That talk they've needed to have, that they've both been avoiding to some degree, is avoidable no longer. "Do you... what's going on?"

Rei sees everything: the way Asuka's eyes dart to the doorknob, how her arms tighten around herself. She's managed to do something Akio cannot- corner Asuka. She expects Asuka to swear her to secrecy, or to clam up and not say a thing, relying on the hope that Rei will let the matter drop.

Instead, Asuka turns around. Her eyes, Rei notes, are shut- she can't meet her own gaze in the mirror; she can't look at what's almost certainly her blood on the floor; she can't bear to look at Rei. Slowly, Asuka unfolds her arms and lets them drop to her sides.

Asuka's pulled the hem of her shirt back and tied it with a hair tie, exposing her stomach. There's a thin dusting of freckles there, and standing out among them are a series of red lines, some scabbed over, others still oozing blood. There's blood on Asuka's arms too, from where she'd pressed them against her skin. Standing there, she might be a ghost; Rei wants to believe the paleness of Asuka's skin is because of the lighting, but she isn't certain.

"I don't care if you don't want to be my friend anymore." The words erupt suddenly from Asuka, another lie thrown out in the faint hope that it might protect her. "Just don't tell anyone else. You can't."

Rei closes the distance between them with two steps, her mouth still open slightly. Nothing comforting seems to come to her; she's seen Asuka distressed before, but this is another depth entirely. It's telling, too, that Asuka's first thought is that Rei will abandon her. She places her hands on Asuka's shoulders and spins her around, nudging her towards the door. "Come on," she whispers, as if anything louder will cause Asuka to shatter to pieces in front of her.

"It's fine. I'm fine," Asuka mumbles. "I can take care of it myself. I'm sorry."

"Come on," Rei says again. She moves one hand away from Asuka to fumble with the door, checking to ensure the hallway is empty. It is; Rei steps forward, guiding Asuka back to her room. She settles Asuka on the bed, places the box of tissues from the desk next to her. "Don't move. I'll be back."

Asuka doesn't respond, but then again, hadn't Rei just told her not to move? Rei's never seen Asuka this complacent; she fears, for some reason, that she's arrived too late to a catastrophe she won't be able to stop, only to bear witness to its end. As she walks back across the hall, she hears the TV turn on and the rattle of dishes in the kitchen. In this moment Asuka's parents, despite sharing the same house, are in a world all their own. Or perhaps it's the other way around; Rei and Asuka have made their own space, and the rest of the planet, oblivious to Asuka's bleeding, continues on around them.

Rei grabs a few things- band-aids and hydrogen peroxide- from the cabinet and returns to Asuka's room. Asuka is still sitting where Rei left her, though she's folded her arms back over her stomach and opened her eyes.

"I told you I can take care of it."

"I'm here already. Let me help."

"I'll be fine."

"You don't look fine to me."

Rei pries one of Asuka's arms from her stomach, wipes it down with one of the tissues. When she draws her hand back, her fingers come away red. At this proximity Rei can see in greater detail the lines on Asuka's waist; there's the faded ones, too many for Rei to count at a glance, and a few still an angry red. Rei grips the bottle of hydrogen peroxide, pouring some onto a tissue.

"Asuka, why didn't you say anything about this?"

Asuka shudders, shakes her head. She hisses a little as the tissue touches her skin, hands clenching into tight fists. She doesn't say anything until Rei is done and the band-aid wrappings have been gathered up and dumped into the garbage and Rei has come back to sit by her side.

"I do this sometimes. I don't eat, too." Asuka's voice shakes; her hands shake, too. "Sometimes I throw up."

"Is that it?"

Asuka nods, turning at last to look Rei in the eyes. "You'll make me stop, won't you?"

"I want you to, but you won't." Rei gazes into the trash can by Asuka's desk, half-full with tissues soaked with Asuka's blood. She hasn't yet wiped off her fingers. She can't seem to find it in herself. "I'm just worried about you now," she says.

"I'll be fine for tonight."

There's the unspoken implication that tomorrow will be its own problem for Asuka to face, but Rei accepts this. Tomorrow she'll talk more about this with Asuka, once they've both had time to rest and Asuka isn't shaking.

"Alright," Rei says. "What happened with Akio?"

"Oh, him." Asuka laughs, falling backwards onto the bed. "He came over to talk to me. Wanted to ask why I don't want to go on dates after cheer practice. He doesn't get it, you know? It's tiring." Asuka snorts, rolling lengthwise to slip under the covers. "So we fought over it. Guess I'm doing good, right? Taking after my parents."

Asuka smiles, a weak twitching of her lips that makes Rei want to lean down and wrap her arms around her, reassure her that one fight doesn't mean she's turning into anything. Only, Asuka doesn't like being touched, and tonight it might only hurt her more. Rei settles instead for smoothing the covers around Asuka's shoulders. She's startled when Asuka reaches up, resting her fingers atop Rei's.

"Do you need me to stay over tonight?" Rei asks.

"It's okay. Just... can you stay here until I fall asleep?"

"Of course." Rei pulls her legs onto Asuka's bed, sitting with her back against the wall. "Don't roll over, okay? I need to climb over you to get out."

"I'll try. No promises."

There's a tired sort of relief to Asuka's voice- like despite Rei finding out about everything, she's still glad Rei has come. Rei merely smiles, not moving from the bed until Asuka's fingers relax against hers and the tension in her shoulders has ebbed away.

Rei stands, careful not to wake Asuka with her movement. Asuka's things are all scattered around the room, no doubt left there when Akio had arrived. Rei gathers them up, placing them in Asuka's backpack and zipping it shut. This way, she thinks, Asuka won't end up leaving something behind. She walks back over to Asuka's bed, stands there for a while. This Asuka, the one all bundled up in the sheets, looks as though nothing in the world could ever trouble her. Rei wishes that could be the case.

She leans down, her lips hovering over Asuka's cheek. Would it be so bad to offer her this, a reminder that love still exists in their world, even if it isn't Akio's? Yes, Rei decides. There's a reason Asuka hasn't chosen her; it might be because they're both girls, or if not, maybe Rei's just not her type. Being Asuka's best friend is enough in itself.

Rei makes her way over Asuka's body and clambers out the window, landing softly on the ground beneath. As she starts off, she realizes she's forgotten to turn off the light, but it probably won't matter to Asuka anyway. "Good night," Rei whispers, addressing the open window. She knows Asuka won't hear her, but someone should say it- if not Akio, then her.


	3. Chapter 3

Rei taps her foot against the ground, unable to contain the nervous impatience that's been building inside her the entire day. She's had plenty of time to think about how to talk to Asuka, both in class and during that long walk home the night before. She's got it all planned out: she'll catch Asuka after classes have ended, before she can make it to cheer practice. 

The problem with this, Rei now realizes, is that Asuka is taking her time. More likely than not, it's so Asuka will be the only one in the locker room, free of prying eyes and questions she doesn't want to consider the answers to. Which leaves Rei outside, unwilling to intrude upon Asuka's space for the sake of her privacy, and so that Asuka won't feel like she's being cornered.

Gravel shifts by Rei's side; she hears the soft thump of someone leaning against the wall next to her. "Waiting for Asuka too, huh, Ayanami?" Rei recognizes, without needing to look beside her, the owner of that voice. Of course it would be Akio.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for the same reason you are. Need to talk to Asuka." Akio ends his sentence with a click of his tongue. Rei allows herself to imagine, for a moment, what would happen if she turned and punched Akio in the face, retribution for making Asuka cry. No one would believe Akio if he told anyone. Asuka is the one who tries to punch people; Rei is the one who holds her back. And should Asuka walk out of that locker room and catch Rei mid-swing, well, Rei wants to think Asuka would side with her over Akio.

Then again, she might not. Rei's been learning too many new things about Asuka lately. She doesn't need Asuka's preference to be one of them. Rei contents herself with a roll of her eyes, a faint imitation of Asuka's favorite expression.

The locker room door creaks and Asuka pushes her way out into the sunlight. In her red and white cheer uniform- a simple top with a skirt that clings to her body- she might be a freshly metamorphosed butterfly, wings still wrapped protectively around herself, too fragile to be handled- she'll have to make her way into the world onto her own. Her blue eyes fall upon the pair waiting outside, first on Akio, then on Rei.

Akio moves first, pushing off the wall and striding in front of Rei. Of course he would want to be first; Rei doesn't know why she expected anything otherwise. Likewise, Asuka has probably expected this as well- Akio will take priority; Rei will wait, like she always does.

"Asuka. You, me, date. After cheer practice. Yeah?"

Rei has to refrain from rolling her eyes in front of Asuka. Akio's request is blunt and to the point, and in a way reminiscent of Asuka. In theory they'd be a perfect match, and yet from Asuka's complaints since the past spring, the two of them have been clashing more often than not. Akio still hasn't grasped that Asuka, above all else, requires space for herself.

She expects Asuka to disagree. The advantage is hers; Rei is there, and if Akio is still anything like Asuka, he'll leave so as to save himself the trouble of a public fight and the scarring of his pride. To Rei's surprise, Asuka merely dips her head. "North parking lot?" she asks.

"As always."

Akio shoots Asuka a wink that's more a grimace and struts off, shoulders back and his stride long. This time Rei does roll her eyes, accompanying that with an audible sigh. She thinks Asuka's shoulders may have twitched, the start of a sympathetic shrug, or maybe Asuka's shaking again.

"What's up, Rei?" Asuka asks. "Do you need something?"

"Why did you do that?" Rei turns and nods in Akio's direction. "You don't want to go, do you?"

"Might as well get it over with. If I didn't say yes, he wouldn't let have let it drop." Asuka laughs, dry and scratchy. 

"Are you going to be alright?"

"Aren't I always?" Asuka pivots, turning herself towards the gym. "I'm gonna be late if I don't get going, Rei. I'll text you when I get home if it really worries you."

"Haven't we established I'm not your mother?" Rei gives Asuka a smile, receives only a blank stare in return. "Don't push yourself."

"Yeah. Right. Thanks. I'll see you, Rei."

Asuka starts towards the gym, swaying slightly as she walks. She's not just tired, Rei realizes, but exhausted: if she can't even argue Akio down, she'll be in no condition to practice. Rei wants to run after her, stop her from practicing- but, like Akio, her pride must be maintained. Here's the dilemma again of what to do; either she can let Asuka push herself closer to the breaking point, or try and pull Asuka back- Asuka's in no shape to stop her- and let the whole school know something about the perfect girl isn't so perfect after all.

Rei slouches back against the wall, her legs giving way under her. She won't be going after Asuka. She won't get in between Asuka and Akio. She'll be what she hopes is a good friend, doubting herself all the while, for Asuka's sake.

Which somehow makes sitting here alone, listening to the music thumping from the gym in time with her heartbeat, something for Asuka's sake as well.

* * *

The inside of Akio's car stinks of aged air freshener and chewed bubble gum. Even with the windows down, Asuka can still smell it, feel it sticking to her skin, where she'll carry it home; an unwanted reminder of an unwanted date.

Akio's idea this time was to drive around town- just drive- and talk. They haven't been talking at all, though. Akio was blasting music from his speakers- the only thing in his truck he seems to care for- even before Asuka arrived. It's like he's forgotten Asuka is there and this drive is more for himself, and Asuka is only here to experience it with him. He hasn't even noticed the band-aids on Asuka's knees- the large kind, almost the size of her palm- that Hikari put there after Asuka had fallen during practice and skinned both of them against the floor. The gauze has no doubt been soaked through with blood by now, and yet Asuka can't bring herself to care. She'll take care of it later, just another thing to do once she gets home.

The song changes as Akio speeds them through a yellow light, something loud and pounding that makes Asuka's head feel like it's about to split open. Asuka looks over, eyeing the volume dial, and sees Akio's mouth moving. Has he, in fact, been talking this entire time? Asuka wouldn't know; she's been staring out the open window this entire time, watching the lights of the city zip by. There's red for herself, and yellow for Akio- like taillights- and rarely, blue, for Rei.

It would be like Rei, Asuka thinks, to pick a favorite color that's hard to find. Something about appreciating the beauty of it so much more. That's a Rei thing, not something Asuka or Akio would ever consider. Akio lives fast and in the moment; Asuka wants to say the same, but in this moment all she wants to do is slow down, stop-

She wants to be sick.

Asuka reaches over and taps on Akio's arm. He glances at her; she points to the side of the road, her face twitching with unease. For a moment she fears Akio won't understand. Then the wheels of the truck turn sideways, and they're pulling into an empty parking lot, lit only by one flickering lamp and the glow of orange signs around them.

Asuka jumps from the truck, opening the door before the engine's fully stopped, and sprints a short distance away. She bends over, planting her hands on her knees, and gasps. Here, under the open sky, is the fresh air she couldn't feel in Akio's truck, even with all the windows down and Akio going fifty in a thirty miles per hour zone.

Behind her comes the crunching of footsteps. Akio's left his safe haven at last; the music is gone, and it seems all too quiet. A hand touches her shoulder, and Asuka wants to throw it off. She doesn't, fearing such a sudden motion will upset her stomach, and once she's thrown up once there's no telling what might happen.

Asuka lifts her head, trying to breathe evenly. Her eyes meet a dark red sign, and she's struck with the thought of Rei, sitting in her room, perhaps wishing after all she'd told Asuka to text her once she was home.

Akio is speaking again, his voice rough like hard pavement. Asuka wants to shake her head, cut him off, tell him they're done, but she can't find it within herself. Her voice, like her strength, has been left behind in their school's locker room. She can't just think of herself; she has to think of Rei- without Akio, there won't be anyone but Rei for Asuka to be around. The last thing Asuka wants to be is a burden, much less to Rei.

Asuka straightens her back, forces a breath through her lungs. "You okay, Asuka?" she hears Akio saying.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just got carsick." Asuka tosses her hair back over her shoulder, arranging her face into a haughty frown. "You can't just drive over a dip in the road like that."

"I don't see anyone stopping me." Akio winks at Asuka and spins his keys around a fingertip. "You ready?"

Asuka nods and follows Akio back to the truck in silence. It surprises her that he's got nothing to say- no questioning what's wrong, no wry comment about Asuka's behavior. But as soon as they've climbed into the truck, that awful smell is back, and Akio starts to talk again. Akio places a hand atop Asuka's, squeezing tightly. The radio starts a fresh song as the truck rumbles to life, air vents training to pipe in some cool air to chase out the sickening sweetness. Akio turns the truck back onto the road, and Asuka hears his voice again, though he's not talking to her this time. He's trying to sing; he's terribly off-key, and he has no sense of rhythm.

She should tell him to shut up.

His hand slides down the seat, gripping her thigh. Rei would sing better than he would.

She wishes he would shut up already. She wishes he would stop touching her. She wishes he would stop.

She wishes it was Rei.

* * *

Akio drops Asuka off at the corner of her block. There's one thing they can agree on without fail, and it's that Akio should steer clear of Asuka's place as much as possible. Asuka doesn't want to give her parents another reason to fight, and Akio doesn't like coming out this far- unless, Asuka thinks, there's something in it for him.

She kisses him good night through the driver's side window, and he tastes of cigarette smoke and stale spearmint. Then Akio fires up the engine again, and he's driving off into the night, stereo still pounding away. Asuka feels it throbbing even after he's long gone, a headache at the base of her skull that she just can't seem to shake.

Asuka drags herself and her schoolbag through the side gate and into the backyard, climbing into her room through the window. It's easier than having to unlock the door- she doesn't trust herself with keys right now- and with any luck, her parents won't have noticed her absence, as they would if she came through the front door. She throws her bag upon the bed, hops up next to it and pulls out her homework. Just a few math problems- nothing big today. Not like it would've mattered to Akio just how much homework Asuka had.

That's something Asuka's had to consider more frequently, a question she's been avoiding. What exactly is she worth to Akio? At first it had felt like they were in love; he'd been able to make her smile no matter what, and she would've stayed up all night texting him, if only he'd asked. But he never had- and something had changed. To her the name 'Akio' no longer reminds her of cool spring nights and joined hands, but rather empty kisses and something reminiscent of her parents' yelling.

Asuka groans quietly and opens her textbook to the appropriate page. She still feels sick, but only faintly- the urge to run to the bathroom isn't there, and she has to finish this. She poises her pencil over the lined paper, scrutinizing the first problem. Little numbers dance behind her eyelids. She hears a rattling from the pencil in her hand: it's shaking; she's shaking, and then the bed is rising to meet her body.

* * *

Rei hasn't heard a word from Asuka about the date with Akio, which means one of two things: she doesn't want to talk about it around Shinji or Kaworu, or they didn't go on the date at all. She isn't sure which one is the more probable, though from the bags under Asuka's eyes, Rei guesses it might be the former.

"Give that back!" Shinji shouts, grabbing at the pencil that Kaworu's just plucked from his binder. "I'm doing my homework!"

"It's lunch, Shinji. Take a break!"

"It's due next period!"

Rei sighs, shaking her head. She turns back to Asuka in time to catch her shuddering- a tremble of her shoulders, a twitch of her intertwined hands. Asuka, Rei notes, hasn't brought a lunch again. Asuka raises her head, her face oddly pale. "Rei?" she mutters. "I'm sorry I didn't text you last night."

"You didn't have to."

"I should've." Asuka separates her hands with some difficulty and stares at them, shaking harder than before.

"Asuka?" Rei places a hand on Asuka's arm. She doesn't appear to notice- Rei notes her eyes have gone out of focus. She leans in, lowering her voice, to whisper into Asuka's ear. "Did you... last night-"

"I forgot to eat. Haven't eaten since..."

Asuka turns her head, and that's when her eyelids slide completely shut. She falls sideways into Rei, who barely lifts her arms in time to catch Asuka in them. Shinji turns, alarmed, but she can't make out what he's saying. Her world has suddenly narrowed, and its focus is the girl slumped against her. Rei stands, pulling Asuka with her, and Shinji rushes to take her other side. Together they carry her up to the front office, Kaworu trailing behind- either to tag along with Shinji, or perhaps to shield Asuka to some degree from the curious eyes of the students they pass.

Rei registers none of this: the sudden sense of urgency that had blossomed within her is focused on one thing only, and that is Asuka. She can afford to think of nothing else, not the bell ringing nor the nurse who approaches her, taking Asuka from her and Shinji and placing her in the small room that serves as the school's infirmary.

This is the extent of what Rei can do for Asuka, and yet it's not. She's delivered Asuka to the place that's best for her, but it feels insufficient, like there's more to be done. Another way of putting it would be a fear, one that starts with Rei leaving Asuka and ends with some irrational thing coming to pass; either Asuka won't wake, or something else will happen that Rei could've prevented.

The nurse is coming back down the hallway, no doubt with some thing from the cafeteria for Asuka to eat once she wakes up. Rei ducks without hesitation through the nearest door and finds herself in a storage closet- of course it'd be a storage closet. She doesn't emerge until she hears the heavy tread of the nurse once again, walking away from the infirmary. Then she slips out, careful not to rattle the brooms and pails around her, and enters the room where Asuka is.

It's odd, Rei notes, that Akio didn't take Asuka out for dinner the night before. That would have been the logical thing to do, she assumes, unless Asuka had turned down the offer. No, she wouldn't have- Asuka wouldn't be that blatantly self-destructive. At least, that's what Rei wants to believe. She nudges the door shut behind her, blocking the interior from view. Should anyone walk by, they won't be able to see her or Asuka, not without having to open the door. The nurse might come by again, to check if Asuka's woken up, but it seems unlikely. If there's one thing Rei knows about high school infirmaries, it's that they aren't very good.

Asuka stirs some time later, a slow opening of her eyes that nearly escapes Rei's notice. She tries to sit up, only for Rei to press her back down against the plastic-wrapped pillow. "Wait," she whispers. "Here." Rei takes the box of juice from the table beside her and holds it out for Asuka to sip from. Asuka complies, drinking until the juice is gone.

Rei puts the empty box to the side and reaches for the meal that's been brought over- a sandwich, covered in even more plastic. Were it not for the graveness of the situation, Rei might think all this plastic was an omen. Asuka's noticed this too; she smirks at the pillow, prodding at it with a finger. "How long was I out?" she asks.

"It's been about an hour now"

"You... you skipped class." Asuka's smile grows a little bigger at the absurdity of it all. She's passed out, now Rei is ditching class. Next, it seems, Kaworu might finally stop staring at Shinji. "You're gonna get in trouble."

"There's more important things to worry about than class."

Rei's managed to get all but two layers of wrapping off when Asuka reaches over, laying one hand atop Rei's. She's stopped shaking, at least, but her skin is still paler than usual and Rei can feel the weakness of her grip. "Now who's the stupid one, Rei?" she asks.

"Still you, for getting yourself here."

"I can't argue with that. You know... it's funny, how you're the one doing this." Asuka dips her chin at Rei and the sandwich still clasped in her hands. "Akio wouldn't do this."

"Well..." Rei shrugs, rotating one hand to gently cup Asuka's. With the other she finishes unwrapping the sandwich and extends it for Asuka to take, a hint of a smile on her face. "We are friends, after all."


	4. Chapter 4

The incident has gone unmentioned, aside from a single call to Rei's home and another to Asuka's which was ignored. For Asuka's part, she's been eating more, at least at school- most likely to avoid a similar accident happening and attract too much attention to herself. 

Rei sighs and shifts her papers around on her desk. The world, in spite of everything that's been going on, has continued on as usual; there's homework to do in between bouts of worrying about Asuka, and Rei, faking a smile for her family around the dinner table, is beginning to understand how Asuka feels.

There's a rustling outside Rei's window, or maybe a snapping of twigs. Rei leans back in her hair, peering out into the darkness, dimly lit by the light from her room. "Asuka?" she calls through the open window. "Are you out there?"

Rei hears no reply- just the wind rustling through the leaves by her window. Now comes the realization that should've been obvious from the start- that she's been thinking of Asuka far more often than usual. That the small things make her think of Asuka- the wind in the trees, the smoky scent that seems to pervade the autumn air- is telling in itself. She wonders if this is how Asuka thinks of Akio, in little daily reminders, and wonders too if Asuka would ever think of her like this.

Probably not. Most definitely not. Rei would rather Asuka think about herself, about remembering to eat and all the other things she's been neglecting. If only Asuka would do this for herself; if only Akio would appreciate who exactly has fallen in love with him.

From outside of the house comes a scratching- the branches scraping the side of the house, Rei thinks, but then there's a thud and Asuka is toppling through her window in a blur of red and black. She lands face-up on the floor, arms stretched out on either side of her body, like her arrival has stunned her as much as it has Rei. Asuka doesn't get up, just lays there, eyes fixed blankly on the ceiling. It doesn't register to her that Rei is staring, that a little trickle of red has started to emerge from beneath the sleeves of her jacket, that the level of horror on Rei's face might only be matched by Asuka's own numbness.

Paradoxically, Asuka is wearing shorts. Rei leaps from her chair to rush to Asuka's side, and when she lays her hands upon Asuka's skin, she finds it cold to the touch. "Asuka, why didn't you call me?" Rei murmurs, pulling her friend into a sitting position.

It's a question meant only to soothe the ache of guilt Rei feels, like if Asuka had called, perhaps Rei might have been able to help her. Asuka shakes her head, her eyes staring now at the blood that's slipping down her arm. "I'm sorry," she mumbles. "I'm sorry, Rei."

"Just sit here, Asuka." Rei positions her against the foot of the bed, crossing Asuka's arms over her legs. "I'll be right back."

"Mhm..."

Rei sees, as she goes to close the door and shield Asuka from the view of the hall, that Asuka's leaned forward to rest her head upon her forearms. The bags beneath her eyes are more prominent now, dark enough to be bruises. There's a similar shade of purple upon Asuka's cheek. Rei wrenches her gaze away and rushes to the bathroom, grabbing the rubbing alcohol and as many band-aids as she can fine. That's the usual stuff, but what is she supposed to do for a bruise? The knowledge doesn't come immediately, as Rei has hoped it would, and the knot of tension in her stomach clenches painfully.

So this is what it's come down to: all of Rei's worrying for Asuka, confounded by a bruise. It seems, in this moment, that Rei is the one in need of comforting, that if she walks back into her room it'll be Asuka who will bandage herself up and wrap her arms around Rei to calm her. It shouldn't be like that. It should be Rei who reassures Asuka, telling her that she won't turn out like her parents (she assumes that Asuka's here because of them again), that the bruise on her cheek won't damage her standing as long as she carries herself with confidence.

Rei gathers her bearings in her chest and the medical supplies in her arms, and walks back across the hall to her room. Asuka hasn't moved from where she sits, though her shoulders quake with every breath. From across the room Rei can hear her gasping, not quite sobbing- Asuka won't let herself go that far just yet. Rei sits next to her, takes one of Asuka's arms in her hands and pulls back the sleeve.

"Your parents were fighting again, weren't they?"

Asuka sniffles, and to Rei's surprise, shakes her head. "No," she whispers. "It was me again."

"You... fought with Akio?"

"He kept wanting to go out. I told him I was tired, but he wouldn't let it drop. So I told him we were over."

"You told him to his face?"

"I texted him." Asuka laughs, and Rei know what she must be thinking- that she, the fearless one, is so afraid of the concept of rejection that she can't even deliver one in person. "He showed up at my house half an hour later. He didn't even say he wanted to talk; he just asked why."

"And what did you tell him?"

"What else do you think I told him? I said I wasn't interested any longer." Asuka's breath catches in her throat; Rei hears it rasp against the sob that rises after it, and Asuka lowers her head back into the safety of her one arm. Asuka, Rei realizes, hasn't reacted once to the sting of the rubbing alcohol on her skin or the tightness of the band-aids over it; she's allowing herself to be consumed by the absence of Akio, this apparent failure.

"I'll get you some water. Hold on-"

The arm in Rei's lap reaches out, grabbing Rei by the wrist. Asuka's crying too hard to say anything, but the message is clear- stay. And Rei does, shifting her hand so that it's holding Asuka's. She's surprised to find that Asuka's grip is still strong, perhaps the only strong thing left about her. It's almost crushing, but Rei doesn't flinch, lets Asuka cling to her until her sobs taper out and she's left panting in the silence, trying to catch her breath.

"He told me I wasn't going to get anyone else," Asuka says. "That I wasn't as good as I thought I was. Then he hit me, and left."

There's a near-imperceptible pause between Asuka's words, like a stutter. She squeezes her eyes shut, embarrassed- or maybe she's remembering the impact of Akio's hand upon her cheek, or the sting of his words clinging to her, taking hold under her skin. To think that one day long ago, he had told Asuka he loved her, and those had been the happiest words she'd ever heard.

"Asuka-"

"I don't remember anything after that. I just know I fell asleep in the bathroom sometime. When I woke up, my parents were fighting again, so I left and came here." Asuka shifts over, her shoulder brushing against Rei's. She lays her head against Rei's shirt, and Rei feels the coldness of her skin, still chilled from her walk over. "Can you hold me, Rei?" The request is so faint, and so unlike Asuka that Rei thinks she's imagined it at first. "It feels like... I'm fading. Like there's nothing else here for me."

"Of course." Rei reaches over and wraps both arms around Asuka's shoulders. Asuka's other arm, though crusted with blood, has at least stopped bleeding. She'll take care of that later, once Asuka's warmer, once she no longer trembles against Rei's body. "Asuka, I know you like the color red, but-" Her fingers rub against the flat of Asuka's arm- "-this is a little too much."

Asuka snorts- she can't help it; between the fatigue and Rei's weak attempt at humor, it's far too funny. But it's true, and that one show of emotion brings the rest crashing down. She buries her face in the crook of Rei's neck, too drained of tears to cry. Her fingers dig into Rei's arm, though not too hard- she doesn't want to hurt Rei, the only one who hasn't yet hurt her.

"He's wrong, you know?" Rei whispers. "Akio's wrong."

"It's a nice thought, but he's right. He hasn't been wrong about anything."

That isn't true, Rei wants to say. There is still love in this world for Asuka, even if Akio was mistaken when he first said he loved her, but Rei says none of this. In this state, Asuka will only brush her words off as lies meant to placate her. Asuka shifts in her arms, beginning to stand. "Can I stay here tonight?" she asks.

"You always can, Asuka."

Rei releases her hold on Asuka and rises with her, holding the rubbing alcohol and band-aids. Asuka, as though knowing what Rei wants, rolls back her other sleeve and holds it out. She remains silent while Rei tends to her, eyes drooping lower every minute. It seems as though she's already asleep, and this could be a dream- in her reality, there would be no one there to do this for her. Rei steps back when she's done, allowing Asuka to climb into the bed, and tucks Asuka under the covers.

"Did you eat tonight?" Rei asks. Asuka shakes her head, hides her face in one of Rei's pillows. Rei sighs and lies down next to her, arranging the covers over herself. "You'll eat breakfast with us tomorrow, right?" Another nod, or perhaps Asuka is simply acquiescing so Rei will leave her alone, much like she'd once done to Akio. "Alright," says Rei. "Good night, Asuka."

Asuka grumbles softly, rolls over onto her side, and is gone. Rei sees the way her shoulders slump, the tension draining from them, as she drifts off to sleep. It’s strange how Asuka can be so calm now, when just a half hour before she’d climbed through the window with blood still smeared on her forearms and sweat beading her forehead. The distress that was on Asuka’s face then has vanished now; her face is relaxed, the hard lines around her eyes are gone.

Rei sighs and shifts under the bed sheets, looking at the hand Asuka’s placed upon her pillow. At the rate at which they share a bed- at least twice a week now, Rei thinks- one could almost call them a couple. Only Asuka hasn’t shown any interest in Rei, and she won’t be the one to make the first move, not when the thing Asuka needs more than anything is a friend who will listen to her.

There’s a rubbing sound coming from the bed. Rei looks down and sees Asuka’s other hand clawing at her arm, scratching at the scabs that have formed over her wounds. Rei sighs, gently seizing Asuka’s wrist. “Stop that,” she whispers, though she doubts Asuka can hear her. “You’ll get blood on the sheets.”

More than that, Rei thinks, she’ll hurt herself. It’s been a worry of hers lately, that Asuka will cut too deep one night and be too stubborn to call for help, or that Asuka will push herself beyond the boundaries of her body that she claims to know. And she asks herself, how can she say she cares for Asuka, when she allows her to continue on like this?

Asuka murmurs in her sleep, rolling onto her side. She wrenches herself free of Rei’s grip, arms folding across her stomach. Her shoulders have begun to tremble despite the layers of blankets over her. That’s another thing Rei has to worry about, another way she could lose Asuka. She can’t force Asuka to eat; if she does, Asuka will just throw it all back up, and if Rei tries to monitor that, then Asuka will throw it up some time when Rei isn’t looking.

There doesn’t seem to be an end to this. As much as she runs, Asuka always has to return home. They could leave together, but there’s nowhere to go. Running away together would only hurt them both. Rei shakes her head, running her fingers through the strands of Asuka’s hair that have fallen to her side of the bed. At least when Asuka’s asleep like this, nothing bad can touch her. Rei will make sure of that.

She inches closer to Asuka, resting a hand on her waist. There are more cuts there; she can feel the raised scars beneath the fabric of Asuka’s shirt, so she must be gentle. In this moment, it would seem that Rei is the only gentle thing in the world to touch Asuka.

The clock on Rei’s bedside clicks, and it’s 1 AM. As much as Rei would want to stay and continue watching over Asuka, she needs her sleep as well. Tomorrow they have class; tomorrow Asuka has cheerleading practice; tomorrow Rei will resume her vigil of glancing at Asuka across the class, making sure she’s alright, or if not, that she knows Rei is there for her.

“I love you, Asuka,” Rei murmurs into Asuka’s hair. Asuka doesn’t show any sign of acknowledgement, no hum, no movement. And that’s good. Asuka doesn’t need a distraction like Rei, not when she’s heaped plenty upon herself. But one day, Rei hopes, Asuka will improve. She’ll still come through Rei’s window, but her arms will no longer bleed; she’ll no longer stare into fire like she wishes it would reach out and consume her.

And on that day, Rei will be there still, to tell Asuka that she loves her again. = 

* * *

Rei wakes to find Asuka has vanished, and in hindsight, she shouldn't be surprised. Asuka hadn't brought her bag with her the night before; of course she would have to leave early. Rei rolls off her bed and springs towards her desk, hands seeking out her phone. Surprisingly, Asuka's already texted her, a short, two-line message that states she's gone home, and she's sorry she troubled Rei.

Rei glances at the clock by her bed- still an hour to go before she has to leave. She could go now, skip breakfast and try to meet up with Asuka before school begins. Or she could bring breakfast to Asuka- would she accept it if Rei did that? Here's that rare surge of annoyance that Rei immediately clamps down upon- being annoyed at Asuka will do nothing for either of them. She taps out a message to Asuka and sends it: _It wasn't any trouble. Call me if you need anything?_

She receives a response almost immediately, just two words. _No promises._

It would appear that Asuka's back to her old self, or that at the least she'll be able to hide behind her usual facade once she gets to school. Rei sighs and sits on the edge of her bed, staring down at her phone. She shouldn't be worried- Asuka already seems better than the night before, and yet Rei can't help but feel nervous. She wonders if these are the butterflies from Asuka's stomach come to take up residence in hers. Would that make sense, that taking on a little of Asuka's weakness will make Asuka better?

It doesn't make any sense. Rei knows it doesn't, and if Asuka were here, she'd give Rei a nudge and tell her she was being silly. But even if it doesn't make sense, Rei wishes it would, so that she could take not only Asuka but all her troubles within her arms, and hold them both.

That is, after all, what love entails, what she hopes Asuka will one day find.

* * *

It wasn't convenient that Asuka had left her bag at home, but rather deliberate. She'd made up her mind before she went to Rei's place wouldn't impose herself on Rei any longer than she had to- just long enough to that she get some rest and clear her head. She hadn't expected Rei to bandage her up, though really, what else could she have expected? They're friends, and it's in Rei's nature to care for her friends.

That's the problem, Asuka thinks. She cares far too little; Rei cares too much. It seems like it hurts Rei more than Asuka whenever she faints or shows up at Rei's house with blood smeared on her skin. It's like Akio said- Asuka thinks she's better than she really is, and by extension, Rei's help is something she isn't deserving of.

Yet the night before, when she'd fallen asleep next to Rei, it had felt so right. It felt better than her nine-month relationship with Akio, better than anything she can remember feeling. And she, Asuka, the recipient of all of Rei's care, is unworthy of it. It isn't fair to Rei that she's been stuck with Asuka, or rather that Asuka sticks to her and refuses to let go.

Asuka looks down at herself, at the band-aids on her arms and the gauze on her skinned knees. Her stepmother will be waking soon; if Asuka wants to steal her make-up and cover up the cuts and bruises, she'll have to do it now. Yet she remains seated, staring at her injuries that Rei has tended to. It's a choice she's making in her mind- to keep her pride, or the evidence of Rei's care.

She clenches her fist, feels the band-aids ripple along her skin. No, there isn't really a choice. If she wants to keep up the impression that nothing is wrong, she'll have to take off the band-aids and slather makeup on her skin. It'll be the one good thing her stepmother can help her with. It'll also be a betrayal of Rei- of what she's done, their friendship, Rei's trust. Which would mean, in spite of what Rei said, that Akio is right. Asuka lifts her fingers, runs them along the bruise on her cheekbone. Perhaps he's always been right, and she's just wasted his time, just as she's wasted Rei's.


	5. Chapter 5

Asuka, in the last month, has been improving. Either this, or Asuka's finally learned to keep not only her emotions, but everything else in her life a secret from Rei. That Rei doesn't participate in school activities exacerbates the problem, but she knows enough from listening to her classmates that the cheer squad has made it to some sort of finals, and that Asuka and Akio's breakup, though talked about, appears to be nothing more than a simple separation. 

This reprieve of sorts is much-needed: in a two weeks they'll have their final exams, and after that, winter will have blanketed the city so well that getting out the front door will be a challenge all its own. For now the most difficult thing Rei will have to deal with is the empty space to her right, which Kaworu and Shinji have left vacant: they're in detention for making kissy faces at each other in class.

With the added space on their bench, one would think Rei would have moved over, but she hasn't. Asuka hasn't asked her to move, either. She's been staring at the table for the entirety of lunch, having once again forgotten or neglected to bring her own.

"Asuka?" Rei inches over, knocking shoulders with her. "How are you doing?"

She receives no answer; lifts her gaze briefly to meet Rei's, then returns to her previous position. Despite the oncoming winter, Asuka is still wearing the same things- a shirt and shorts, and rarely a sweatshirt. "You know, freezing yourself isn't the way to do things," Rei says. "Don't give yourself hypothermia until your competition is over."

Asuka cracks at that, giving Rei a reluctant smile. Rei reaches into her lunch bag and pulls out the other half of her sandwich, offering it to Asuka. She watches Asuka look at the sandwich, her fingers twitching in her lap. Asuka's eyes fall upon Rei, and she shakes her head with the slightest turning motion.

"Come on, Asuka. You have to eat something." Rei pushes the sandwich forward, undeterred. Years of being friends with Asuka have made equally stubborn, even if she doesn't show it often. "For me. Please?" Rei thinks Asuka sighs as her fingers wrap around the sandwich and bring it to her mouth. This time Asuka devours it all in moments, barely pausing to chew. She's processing the food, but not the act of eating itself. "Keep it down, okay?"

Asuka shakes her head again, and this time it's not just her hands that tremble, but all of her. There's a thin, reflective sheen upon her eyes that Rei knows means she's going to cry, that Asuka's about to stand and dart off somewhere. She pushes herself along the bench, catching Asuka by the wrist and pinning it against the table.

Something flashes behind Asuka's eyes, anger perhaps, but Rei doesn't let go. She pulls Asuka back until she's sitting on the bench again, Rei's fingers still wrapped around her wrist. Asuka opens her mouth to speak and finds she can't think of anything to say. If she tells Rei to let her go, that she's undeserving of this help, this touch, then she'll be proving Akio right again. She won't do that, if only to spite him. She'll try to believe what Rei has told her, if only because for some reason, those words seem more true when they're sitting together like this.

* * *

Asuka's cheer practice is over, and in retrospect it's a good thing Rei made her eat something. Her head is throbbing- brought on by the combination of the loud music and all the physical activity, no doubt. She doesn't know why they're still practicing so rigorously. They all but have the coming competition in the bag, and yet Hikari insists that the team be ready, so she's scheduled extended practices for the entire week.

It wasn't yet dark by the time Asuka had emerged from the locker rooms, changed back into her normal clothes. It was dusk; the sun was low enough over the horizon to cast shadows over everything and yet still be blinding enough to make Asuka want to retreat back into the buildings, content with their artificial lighting. Still, she has to go home, so she'd sat down on the bleachers to wait until the sun was just a little further gone, so she could linger in a quiet that her home could never provide for just a little more.

After this competition, the season will be over. Cheer and spring semester have never gone well together; with nothing to do, Asuka will have too much time to herself. The year before she'd occupied herself with studying with Rei, and after that, dating Akio. She gets the feeling they won't be doing the same this year- Rei has far too many things of her own to worry about, and she doesn't need Asuka adding on to them.

More than ever, Asuka finds herself wondering if Akio was right, if she's lost the best thing she'll ever have in her life. No, that isn't quite right- there's still Rei. But then again, what is Rei to her? A best friend, yes, but something more doesn't seem to be out of the question. She'd thought of Rei, after all, the last time she was with Akio. She's always run to Rei rather than him. In a perfect world maybe they'd be together, or at the least, Asuka would be able to tell if these feelings were real, and not just the result of her desire to get away from Akio.

Asuka's mind, despite her attempts to contain it, continues to wander down this path. How would Rei accept a confession? Would it be worse to be rejected, or to be accepted for Asuka to find these feelings were, in fact, some fleeting remnant of her feelings for Akio, misdirected at Rei? That doesn't take into account the possibility that Rei will push her away. She knows Rei is different, but liking girls is another thing entirely, and that's if Rei is even looking for love.

Asuka groans and places her head in her hands. It feels as though the throbbing is entering her hands, beating counter to the pulse of blood through her arms. It's nearly unthinkable that she'll have to make her way home in this state, but then again, she's faced worse. She rubs her fingertips against her brow, and they come away shining with sweat. Asuka doubles over, groaning quietly, and her eyes zero in on something yellow beneath the bleachers. Dandelions, she realizes. Small ones, growing just within the reach of the sun.

She reaches down automatically to pluck one and twirl the stem between her fingers. The yellow spins before her eyes- not like the sun, not burning, but calming. Almost like Rei. Asuka tucks the stem between the laces of her sneakers, goes back for another. One by one, she winds them into her shoes until she looks down and sees only yellow against the white of her sneakers, and the asphalt beneath them.

And now, as she stands, Asuka is stricken with an inexplicable grief. No, not quite inexplicable- though it seems silly, almost nonsensical, that she could be upset over flowers. She's killed them, not immediately, though they'll certainly die. But wouldn't it be better for them to be appreciated by one person and whoever else might see them, rather than to live, invisible, under the bleachers?

Asuka's head throbs again, and she nearly falls back against her seat. It hurts too much to think now, but somehow she's thinking of Rei. She'd appreciate Rei. Or perhaps, it'd be Rei who appreciates her? It had made sense to Asuka for a moment, and now the moment is gone. It'll be one of those things she'll remember, yet never be able to fully grasp- like her love for Akio, like whatever this feeling is that she has for Rei. Asuka steadies herself, looks down at the laces of her shoes. Akio would call this silly. Asuka doesn't know what Rei would call it- beautiful, she hopes. Beautiful, that in spite of everything, Asuka's managed to find something that can't hurt her. Something to guide her home, something that reminds her of Rei.

* * *

Rei should've been paying more attention to the gossip going around the school. If she had, maybe she'd have heard that the cheer competition was this weekend, and done her essay ahead of time. In a sense, Rei has completed it, if completion entails five hastily-written pages full of spelling errors that she'll have to correct later. But it'll be worth it, if only so Rei will be present to welcome Asuka back, win or lose.

She has, with Yui's blessing, made her way to Asuka's house and slipped into her room through the window. Outside, the neighborhood is still- there's the rustling of trees and the chirping of birds, but no one is driving down the street, and no one's out mowing the grass. It's a Saturday night; everyone else is having dinner, except for Rei- the anomaly, the outsider, sitting on Asuka's bed as she waits for the sound of Hikari's van rolling into the driveway.

The rest of the house, just outside Asuka's door, is equally quiet. It's almost unsettling; if this is how Asuka's home always feels like, it's no wonder she likes coming over to Rei's. It feels as though a fight's just ended, and everyone is resting for the next one. That's all there is to it, one argument after another, the subjects different but the yelling all the same. Anything might be the precursor to another disagreement: the opening of a door or the sound of the TV being turned on, and at last Rei understands why Asuka is always on edge.

There's a rumbling sound from the driveway- Hikari's old van, probably. And Rei is right; there are voices spilling out to fill the silence, a series of goodbyes that sound all too tired and automatic. Perhaps they've lost and Rei's confidence has been misplaced, though if they have, it's better that Rei is here than not.

The front door opens at the same time rattling of the van's engine starts up. Rei doesn't hear any greeting from Asuka or her parents. Either it's been drowned out, or the peace they have right now is so fragile it could be shattered with something as simple as a hello. Asuka walks toward her room, her steps slow and dragging. Rei sees the knob turn a moment before Asuka shoves the door to the side, throwing her bag down by her desk, only to pause in between the bed and the closet.

Asuka's eyes, unfocused when she came in, have zeroed in on Rei. She's not sure what this is- either she's hallucinating, or Rei has decided that it's her turn to sneak into Asuka's room unannounced. Whatever the truth is, this is something new; Asuka isn't sure what she'd rather accept- that Rei has come for no particular reason, or that she's starting to hallucinate her best friend.

"You know," Rei says. "I didn't text you either, before I came here. You're such a bad influence, Asuka."

"I... what?"

Somehow, Asuka retains the presence of mind enough to slip off her shoes and inch towards the closet. Rei turns around on the bed, facing the wall so Asuka can change without being watched. "How was the competition?" she asks.

"The compe- Rei, what are you doing in my room?"

"Isn't this what friends do?" Rei giggles. "Show up in each others' rooms at random times?"

Rei has a point. As unexpected as this is, Asuka's done this to her plenty of times before. Asuka walks over to the bed, having changed into a shirt and shorts, and sits next to Rei. "I guess you're right," she says. "We won, by the way. Hikari's taking the trophy home tonight, since she's the captain. But I got a medal." Asuka's eyes flicker in the direction of her bag. "Do you want to see?"

"Of course I do."

Asuka rolls over to the edge, stretching her arm out to grasp the handle. She drags the bag over and unzips it, carefully extracting a gold medal on a blue ribbon and handing it to Rei. "All of us got this," she says. "Pretty nice, right?"

"It is. You could hang it on the wall by your desk. A sun for the center of the universe."

"Are you saying that's me?"

"You act like it, sometimes."

"Well, you're not wrong."

Asuka's grin sags slightly at the edges. Rei turns the medal over a few times in her hands, her gaze alternating between it and Asuka. "Something's bothering you," she says."

"When isn't something?"

"What is it?"

"I had to change with everyone else this time. Since, you know. We're not in our own locker rooms." Asuka's arms wrap around her stomach, an instinctive motion. "I think Hikari saw."

"Saw the cuts?"

Asuka nods, biting at her upper lip. Her eyes shift from Rei to the bed and remain there. "I don't want anyone else to know besides you."

"Do you think she'll tell anyone if she did see?"

"I don't know. It's Hikari." Asuka hugs herself tighter, closing herself off from the possibility of what Hikari might do. The girl is kind, yet obstructive in a way similar to mothers, overprotective. Then again, what would Asuka know of that? It's more likely she's afraid Hikari will let her secret slip, and once the school knows, there will be no saving her image.

"I think you'll be alright," Rei says, moving over and wrapping an arm around Asuka's shoulders. "Hikari wouldn't do anything to hurt you."

"Yeah. Maybe."

The silence from outside creeps in through the window and settles in Asuka's room. There's movement throughout the house- footsteps, the sound of pans clanking. Asuka's fingers dig into her sides, and Rei isn't sure if Asuka is just trying to calm herself or tear her scabs open through the fabric of her shirt.

"Asuka? Mom says you can come over for dinner tonight, if you want. That's why I came over. To ask you."

"What, to celebrate my win?"

"She said you could come over no matter what happened."

"That's a weird thing to say."

"I may have told her about your parents. How they fight." Rei sighs apologetically and squeezes Asuka's shoulder. "She heard us talking during one of the times you came over. She asked me about it in the morning, so I told her you came over to get away from them."

"You didn't tell her about..."

"None of that."

"Oh." Asuka's shoulders slump under Rei's touch, like they've been released from a weight Rei hadn't noticed was there. "You want me to get back in my shoes right after I've taken them off?"

"You could always come over barefoot. Mom would yell at you, though."

"Fine. Only to save you the trouble."

Asuka shakes herself free of Rei's hold and goes to her closet, pulling on her sneakers. She'd taken the dandelions out before she went to the competition; they now lie strewn about the floor beside her closet, half-wilted, turning a shade like that of the setting sun. She knows Rei's seen them, but as she goes over Rei merely gets up and goes over to the open window.

"You're ready to go?" Rei asks.

"Yeah. You know, Rei? Shit like this? It's why you're my best friend." Rei reaches over, brushes the backs of her fingers against Asuka's hand. To her surprise Asuka's fingers shift, slipping between hers. "I'll go first," Asuka says, moving towards the window. "Don't let go of me?"

"I won't," answers Rei. She doesn't, not until they've arrived at the front step of her house; and even then they stand there, hands still loosely joined, like each is waiting for the other to let go first.


	6. Chapter 6

Asuka remembers the remainder of the semester as nothing but a blur, as if the cheer finals were the last thing she had to worry about before winter break. What concerns her now is Rei, returning to her room with yet another box of band-aids.

"What are you doing?" Asuka asks.

Rei ignores the question, grabbing one of Asuka's hands and raising it until her arm is parallel with the floor. She starts down Asuka's arm, plastering band-aids over the cuts which are still healing. Outside the room there's a commotion- Kaworu and Shinji, dressed in their winter gear, clambering down the hall. Rei's fingers move faster, tickling Asuka's skin, until she's covered up the cuts on both arms and moved away from Asuka.

"You know you've just made them more obvious," Asuka mutters, beginning to struggle into the heavy coat she's brought from her house.

"You're wearing long sleeves and a sweater under that. No one's going to notice. And I don't want them to get infected."

"Who's ever gotten an infection from snow?"

"No one I know. I'd like to keep it that way."

Rei zips up her jacket and pulls on her gloves, then lumbers over to where Asuka is fumbling with her scarf. She takes it from Asuka, winds it around her neck and tucks the ends under the collar of her jacket. Asuka shuffles from side to side, reaching up to pull the scarf away from her mouth. There might, Rei thinks, be the slightest hint of pink upon her cheeks- but it's warm and their clothes are stuffy, so more likely than not, Asuka's just warm.

"Thanks," Asuka mumbles, and starts into the hall. Rei follows after her, both of them trailing Shinji and Kaworu out the front door. It was Shinji's idea to make snowmen in the first snowfall of the year, and Rei's idea to invite Asuka. They spill out the door, one after the other, and find Kaworu and Shinji packing snow into a mound in the front yard.

Kaworu waves at the girls as they approach. His beanie has already fallen from his head and rests haphazardly in the hood of his jacket. Both he and Shinji are covered in snow, faces red from the cold and the effort of compacting snow together. "You're late," laughs Kaworu. "We're already one-third done."

"Of course you would stick with making a snowman," Asuka sighs, flicking her wrist in Kaworu's general direction. "What, are you gonna name it Shinji and try to kiss it?"

"Why would I do that, when I can just kiss Shinji?" Kaworu drops the lump of snow he's been carrying in his bare hands and moves towards Shinji, reaching for his cheeks.

"Kaworu, wait! Your hands are cold!"

"I didn't mean it literally!" exclaims Asuka. She bends down, grabbing a handful of snow and pressing it between her gloves. As she turns, cocking her arm back, her eyes meet with Rei's sympathetically- a sort of apology for what she's about to do, and that Rei has to put up with Shinji and Kaworu for more than just school hours. Rei laughs, a soft noise that sets Asuka's heart aflutter. The snow leaves her hand and soars across the yard, hitting Kaworu in the shoulder and spraying snow across his face.

"Hey! We were having a moment!" Kaworu says.

"Save it for Shinji's room," Asuka shoots back, scooping up more snow. She sees Kaworu do the same, followed by Shinji, and looks up at Rei. "Guess we're having a snowball fight instead."

"I didn't expect anything else from you."

Rei draws her arm back and throws a snowball that Asuka hadn't noticed in her hand. It smacks against Shinji's arm, earning a shout of surprise and a snowball thrown by Kaworu. Rei dodges under it and glances to Asuka again, and in that moment a message is sent: Asuka will have Kaworu, and Rei will get her brother.

Asuka stumbles in the opposite direction, putting some space between herself and Rei. "If you kiss as well as you throw, I feel sorry for Shinji," she laughs. Kaworu pulls his arm back, lining up another shot, which Asuka steps to the side to avoid. Across the yard she sees Rei chasing Shinji around with a large chunk of snow in her hands, shouting for him to get back here.

"I believe Shinji thinks I kiss just fine. If he didn't, I'm sure he'd bring it up." Kaworu smiles as he ducks Asuka's next shots, calmly gathering up more snow. "If Rei is anything like her brother, I can imagine you must be satisfied as well."

"The hell are you going on about? Rei and I aren't- aren't anything!"

"You're not?" Kaworu tilts his head, momentarily forgetting the fight. Asuka knows he's seen, in that strange way Kaworu notices everything, her glances across the yard at Rei, hoping Rei isn't hearing a word of their conversation. "I would have thought that you and Rei-"

Asuka looses another snowball at Kaworu's face, like she's flinging all her frustration at him. He doesn't even bother to step to the side; the shot goes wide, and Kaworu's smile widens.

"We're just friends," Asuka grumbles, retreating to get more snow.

"I had guessed from your reaction. I thought she would have told you by now."

"Told me what?"

"Don't you see how she looks at you?" Kaworu rises, his arms full of snowballs. He tosses one in Asuka's direction, seemingly an afterthought, like this fight is just an appeal to Asuka's competitive nature so he can keep talking to her. "You haven't noticed. The way she watches you during lunch and when you're in class together. She cares for you, Asuka."

"Of course she does. We're friends!" Asuka stumbles through a bank of snow that's up to her thighs, arms up to shield herself from Kaworu's throws. He misses all but one shot, which impacts lightly on her elbow. "How would you know, anyway? You're always staring at Shinji."

"It's not hard to see if you know what you're looking for." Kaworu has begun to backpedal away, removing himself from the reach of Asuka's snowballs. "You'll know when she's looking at you like that. It'll be like you're the center of her world."

Asuka frowns and narrows her eyes, concealing the painful wrenching in her stomach at Kaworu's words. He wouldn't know, of course, what Akio's told her; what Rei has casually mentioned in passing. "Consider that, won't you?" he asks, stopping to gather more snow again. "Well, off to help Shinji."

"Oh no, you don't," Asuka grumbles. She retraces her path out of the drifts with clumsy, wobbling steps. She hasn't been doing much- only throwing snow and half-heartedly running from Kaworu, but it's enough to leave her tired. She'd eaten before she came to Rei's, but the toll on her body is still there, weighing her down in the snow.

No. She won't let it overcome her. Asuka pushes herself forward, dragging her palms through the drifts. She comes away with two large piles of snow in her hands and darts forward, chasing after Kaworu. "Hey, pretty boy!" she shouts. "Help Shinji with this!"

Asuka draws back both arms at once and hurls with all her strength. The two clumps of snow soar into the air and break at once, showering the yard with clumps of ice. Kaworu and Shinji raise their arms too late- there's snow in their hair, dripping down the backs of their jackets, soaking into their undershirts.

"This is why I wanted to stick together," Shinji groans, struggling to remove a chunk of ice from under his collar. "Listen to me next time, Kaworu."

"Sorry, Shinji. I just wanted to see if Asuka could really beat me."

"Well, I'd say I beat both of you." Asuka smirks, starting a little as Rei shuffles over and bumps into her arm. "Rei helped."

"You win for now," pants Shinji. "But we'll get you next time."

"You can try."

Asuka sticks her tongue out at Shinji as he walks past, pulling Kaworu by the hand towards the house. She keeps it out until they're gone, crossing the threshold into the warmth, no doubt retreating to Shinji's room to change out of their ice-covered clothes.

"Hah. I knew we could beat them."

"Asuka?" she hears Rei say. She looks down, and Rei is so much closer- she realizes she's slumped over, supporting herself against Rei's body. "Are you alright?"

"Tired myself out," Asuka replies. "It's harder running around in snow than you'd think it would be."

"Yes, it is." Rei tilts her head, looking for a moment uncannily like Kaworu. "Are you sure you'll be fine?"

"Trust me. And I'm sticking around for lunch, aren't I? So... you know I'll be okay."

"Yes. You will be." Rei turns and starts slowly toward the house, making sure Asuka can keep pace with her. Asuka lengthens her strides, drawing up by Rei's side, Kaworu's words echoing in her ears. She grips Rei's hand, pretending she doesn't see the confusion that crosses her face.

"Thanks for inviting me over, Rei," Asuka says. She wants to say thanks for everything. Rei squeezes her hand, a timid gesture, and offers her a smile. It isn't much, but it's enough to tell Asuka that Kaworu is right. And if this is right, then maybe Akio was wrong after all.

* * *

Asuka hasn't hurt herself in weeks, an accomplishment in itself that can probably be attributed to her unofficial migration to Rei's house. Her parents don't seem to care, so long as she shows up for dinner once in a while and doesn't let on that she's doing anything other than visiting friends. That, or they've noticed her absences at night and simply find it easier to ignore them so they can continue arguing.

Asuka's gotten used to the softer feel of Rei's bed; she lies upon it now with Rei beside her, their hands close but not touching, finger curled against the bed sheets. "It's going to be boring next semester," Asuka is saying. "Hikari says we'll probably just think up routines for next year. It's stupid."

"You could relax a little," Rei says. "You haven't been doing anything this break, and it's been better for you."

"I also haven't been staying in the same house as a narcissist and a doormat." Asuka rolls over so she's facing the window, away from Rei. "I wish I could stay here with you. I think my parents would get all paranoid if I was gone for more than a week, though. And I'm not sure if your mom would appreciate another Kaworu."

"Kaworu doesn't stay here that often."

"With the way Shinji talks, you'd think he's moved in already." Asuka snorts with laughter and curls into herself. She hears a rustling- Rei shaking her head against the covers. "It's been fun being here with you, though. I don't think I would've wanted to do anything else this break other than be here with you."

Rei doesn't reply immediately. It's impossible that she didn't hear what Asuka said, so the alternative is that she's trying to think of something to say. Asuka hugs herself a little tighter, hoping she hasn't betrayed everything she feels for Rei with that one statement.

"What do you mean by that?" Rei asks at last.

There's no simple answer for that. Asuka knows she meant that she's enjoyed being able to be this close to Rei, being able to stay with her longer than usual. She meant that it was fun for her, imagining what it might be like should they ever get together. More than anything what this month has done for her is allow her to be herself, not cooped up in a room with her parents fighting outside. She's learned, in these few weeks, that what she's felt is something like she'd once felt for Akio- a persistent sort of burning in her chest.

She's accepted this; she's thought on what Kaworu told her at the start of break. There's a chance that Rei feels the same way Asuka does for her, but she's been making her excuses. The time isn't right; Asuka values their friendship far too much to risk it; Kaworu might be wrong after all.

Asuka turns over and meets Rei's gaze. It'd be easy to lie to her and say she doesn't know. It'd be equally as easy to reach out and take Rei's hand, let things unfold from there. But Asuka stays silent, motionless, wondering if Rei can read the emotions in her eyes, and pluck from them the words that Asuka is too afraid to say.

* * *

Classes are supposed to start in two days. The city has arranged itself in accordance with this; the sidewalks have been shoveled and salted, as are the roads. Rei's packed her bag and hung it from her chair, ready for the coming week, and settled into the bed that Asuka no longer occupies.

In a way, Rei isn't surprised when her phone rings at three in the morning, jolting her from her sleep. She knows it's Asuka before she's even seen the screen; only Asuka would call at this time. And it's good that she is: it means, if something is wrong, at least she's come to Rei about it.

Rei fumbles with her phone, raises it to her ear. "Asuka?" she mutters. "It's you, right?"

"No, it's Shinji." Asuka snorts into the earpiece. "Of course it's me." There's a pause in which Rei can hear Asuka breathing, and behind her, the sounds of something rushing by. "Can you come over to my place?"

"Sure. Are you okay?"

"Doing great. Just... hurry, will you?"

Rei throws off the covers and leaps from the bed, darting over to her closet. "I will," she says, squeezing herself into her sweatshirt. "Asuka-"

There's only static: Asuka's gone. Rei finishes dressing and slips out her window, not bothering with the front door. This way she's free to run, though it's hard to keep her footing on the ice blanketing the yard. It's only when she hits the sidewalk on the main streets that she can start to sprint, her breath leaving behind a trail of white clouds that swirl around in the wake of her passing.

Just because Asuka's called her, it doesn't necessarily mean that something's gone wrong. Maybe Asuka can't sleep and wants Rei to talk to- but then again, they could've used their phones for that. Rei shakes her head and runs harder, pelting through the empty intersections. Nothing's wrong, she tells herself; nothing will be wrong, because she'll be there for Asuka.

The snow has fallen thick upon the streets near Asuka's house, which more often than not, remain unshoveled. Rei leaps from the sidewalk onto the road, not missing a stride. There's no one else on the road to worry about- just her, a streak of white and blue, leaping over the snowdrifts that have gathered by the storm drains, passing the unlit signs of shops.

Rei rounds the corner that's the halfway point between her houses and nearly stumbles on the asphalt. Asuka is already there, face tucked into her scarf, hands jammed into her pockets, standing there like a ghost. Her eyes flicker up at the crunch of Rei's shoes on the ice. Rei starts to say something- a greeting, maybe a question. Asuka steps forward and places her gloved hand over Rei's mouth, then grabs her arm and begins to walk.

They backtrack a little in the direction of Rei's place, then turn off towards the school. Rei doesn't know where they're going, though Asuka seems to have a direction in mind. Asuka hasn't said anything yet, and it doesn't seem like she's going to. Somehow, Asuka's silence is her way of saying she's alright- there's nothing she needs to tell Rei, not at the moment. They continue onward, past the train station. So they're not running away together, Rei thinks, and she wants to laugh and tell this to Asuka, only she won't. She'll let Asuka break the silence when she's ready, and save this joke for another day when they're both warm inside one of their houses, talking about the things they've done together.

Asuka guides them on for a few more blocks, until the sidewalk starts to rise and there are fences on either side of the walkways. Asuka's taken them to the overpass; from below them rises the hum distinctive of cars speeding by, the only portion of their town that seems to be alive this morning. Asuka lets go of Rei, stands there for a moment. Rei looks down and shifts her hand a little, so that in the glow of the streetlights, it looks like her shadow might be holding Asuka's hand. Then Asuka steps toward the fence and the guard rail, placing her hands atop it and looking down. Rei moves over to her, copying her stance.

Now that they've reached wherever Asuka was taking them, there doesn't seem to be much to say. Asuka continues to gaze at the cars below, ignoring the rushing of the wind and the hair whipping across her face. She seems to be pondering something, Rei thinks, but her expression betrays nothing.

"I wanted to be alone with you for a while," Asuka says, several minutes later. "There's always Shinji and Kaworu, or my parents, or yours. It's never just us."

Rei shifts her weight upon the guard rail, unsure of what to say. Either an apology is called for, or a promise that they can do this again, or maybe neither. She isn't sure what Asuka wants.

"Rei?" Asuka's voice breaks over her name. So her silence hasn't gone unconsidered. "Can I at least have this?"

"Of course you can. There isn't any reason you can't."

Rei moves closer, her shoulder almost touching Asuka's. Asuka continues to stare downwards, fingers gripping the rail like she's afraid she'll fall through the fence somehow and plunge to the ground. It's now that Rei realizes that despite them being best friends, despite how close they are to one another in this moment, she can't figure out what Asuka is thinking, and now she's afraid too.

Rei sets her hand atop Asuka's and leans into her. She feels Asuka's eyes upon her, now. It's time to ignore the stuttering of her heart in her chest; if Asuka's so distant that Rei can't read her, then Rei will have to fix that. Even if it means presenting herself to Asuka like this, like it's Rei about to fall and not Asuka.

"If you're going to do something stupid," Rei says, "at least let me kiss you first, so we'll be equally stupid."

Rei feels Asuka step away, leaving her clinging to the guard rail. It's Rei, now, who's unable to tear her eyes from the freeway below, who feels as though she's dropping with nothing to catch her.

Asuka turns with one swift movement, her hands going to Rei's cheeks, and pulls her in. Their lips collide clumsily, as though Asuka's chosen to forget all those times she's kissed Akio- or maybe she's just doing as Rei says, being stupid, and letting that dictate how she moves. Where Asuka's lips are dry and chapped, Rei's are soft, but hesitant- letting Asuka lead and not demanding more from her, unlike Akio's. After a moment, Rei's hands settle uncertainly on Asuka's waist. It's the same uncertainty Asuka feels in their kiss, like neither of them know what they're doing, and yet somehow it feels right: they're two best friends kissing on an overpass, and there's nothing in the world that can stop them.

At last, Asuka backs away. Rei opens her eyes, not having realized she'd closed them, and sees Asuka retreating down the sidewalk back the way they'd come. "Asuka, wait," Rei says, moving after her. She wonders if this is rejection, or if Asuka's just disappointed, that their kiss hadn't been what she was looking for. "Where are you going?"

Asuka pauses, turns to face Rei. "I'm going home," she says. "You should, too."

"Are you sure you don't want me to come?"

"I'm sure."

Rei hesitates in mid-step, staring at Asuka. Going with her would be the thing to do- but there's a look on Asuka's face, a shine in her eyes, that makes Rei believe the smile on Asuka's face is genuine. She'll be okay; Rei can feel it. Rei nods, and there's an understanding: they'll both go home, they'll both remember this. Their kiss is not an end, as Rei has always thought it would be, but a promise.


	7. Chapter 7

Rei's bag has been packed since the day before the weekend started; the only thing keeping her from starting the walk to school is Shinji, still struggling to rouse himself from the warm pile of blankets covering him. According to Shinji, they're still early- which means they won't have to run the entire way to the school in order to be considered on time. As long as they show up for the first day of the new semester, he says, they should be fine. 

Something shifts on Rei's desk: her phone, which vibrates twice, then goes silent. Rei springs from her bed and grabs it, skimming across the message Asuka's left for her. _I'm outside your house. Can we go together?_ Rei looks out her window, expecting to see Asuka there, either standing outside or climbing through. There's nothing but her empty backyard. Asuka must be out in front.

"I'm going now, okay?" Rei calls to Shinji. "If you don't show up, it's not my fault!"

What might pass for a muffled groan escapes Shinji's room. Rei pounds down the hall and shoots out the front door, and as expected, there's Asuka. She looks up from her phone as Rei jumps down from the porch, swinging her backpack over her shoulders. "You're here early," Rei says.

"I wanted to talk to you. I thought now would be a good time." Asuka's gaze shifts from Rei to the front door. "Shinji's not coming with us, is he?"

"He'll make it on his own. Probably."

Asuka, apparently satisfied by this answer, turns and starts down the walkway, Rei following closely behind. They make their way down the street and onto the main road, navigating around the half-melted heaps of snow piled on the sidewalks. Rei notes that there's enough space for the both of them to fit on the sidewalk, side by side, though there could be more if one of them would just reach out and hold the other's hand.

Asuka turns her head to survey Rei, as if she's somehow detected what Rei was thinking. Instead she says, "We're alone again," and giggles to herself. Rei says nothing, and Asuka's smile quickly fades. "I wanted to talk to you about Saturday." Her voice is restrained; choked by the cold and her own nervousness. "You said you wanted me to kiss you."

Rei nods; so far, that's just the truth. She agrees that they'd kissed, and that there's more to the matter than just that.

"So, um..." They've stopped walking and now stand facing each other, Asuka placing her arms in front of her, one loosely holding the other. She doesn't know what to say: it's like the first time she'd tumbled through Rei's window, and neither of them knew how to react. "Did you like it? I mean, was that it? Are we friends still, or..."

Rei lifts a hand, and the flow of words from Asuka's mouth ceases. She looks nervously up at Asuka, a thin smile on her face. "If I was honest, I would say I've been hoping for that for a long time."

"How-" Asuka shakes her head, cutting herself off. There's nothing to be gained by bringing up the time Asuka's spent oblivious to her feelings. "It must've hurt when I was with Akio. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be. As long as you were happy, I didn't mind."

"But I wasn't happy. At least, not towards the end of it. Not when all anyone ever did around me was fight. Not you, though." Asuka's eyes drop to the pavement. "I guess I should've noticed earlier. It was right in front of me."

"You had other things to think about."

"Does that excuse anything? What did I do for you, Rei? All those times I came crawling to you."

"You improved. That's what you did."

Rei's shoes appear at the top of Asuka's vision. She looks up, and Rei is there in front of her, as close to her as she was on that morning on the overpass. "Stop trying to find something to blame yourself for, Asuka. Friends are supposed to help each other. In our case, it was just complicated."

"Complicated. That's a strange word for it."

"Is something wrong?"

"I would've called it stupid." Asuka sighs, picking at the seam of her jeans with shaking fingers. "You know, sometimes when I was with Akio, I thought of you. I guess a part of me wanted to be with you even back then."

"Is that why you kissed me?"

"Partly, yes. That, and I was being stupid."

"So everything is stupid now?"

"Yes. You, me, Shinji, Kaworu. We're all beyond redemption. We should just skip school while we can and save ourselves the embarrassment." Asuka laughs softly, her arms falling to her sides. "I liked that kiss, though. I can tell you meant it."

"I did try my best." Rei blinks curiously, gazing up into Asuka's eyes. "Or are you saying something else?"

"I guess what I'm saying is if you want to go out with someone who's a complete wreck... there's a spot open."

"Can I give it to Kaworu?"

"God, no. It's just for you. So-"

"Of course."

Asuka feels herself take a clumsy step forward, lurching towards Rei with her arms raised to embrace her. Rei catches her, arms wrapping around her back, but doesn't quite hold her. She pulls Asuka against her, and only once she feels their lips brush up against each other does she place her hands on Asuka's sides.

Rei closes her eyes, and the world drops away. There's only Asuka; no cars rushing by them, no wind to rustle the trees. She feels warmth spreading from her face down to her toes, making her jacket seem needless. From the way Asuka is kissing back, she too feels this warmth.

They hold the kiss, and each other, for several long moments. Asuka moves away first, eyes opening slowly to take in the world rematerializing around them, like this one kiss has brought a vividness to everything she could never have seen before.

"Still think everything is stupid?" Rei asks softly.

"No. Definitely not." Asuka reaches down and grabs Rei's hand eagerly, only to pause. Something moves at the edge of her periphery, too slow to be a car. "Shinji?!" she shouts, whipping around. "You were watching us?"

Shinji, standing by the corner of the block, raises one hand sheepishly. "I just got here, sort of," he mutters.

"We were busy," says Rei.

"I was kissing your sister!"

"I could tell." Shinji merely shrugs and continues walking past Asuka and Rei. "You two should hurry up, if not I'll be the one on time and you'll be the late ones."

"You're one to talk. I bet you weren't even awake when Rei and I left."

"Which makes it more embarrassing that I caught up to you, right?" he says. "Don't worry, you'll get to have fun at lunch today."

"And what does that mean?"

"I owe Kaworu lunch. We bet on if you'd ever get together. He won."

"Of course you two would do that," sighs Rei. "Asuka, are you going to buy me lunch today?"

"What? Hey! Is this just 'cause we're together now?"

"Yes. That's exactly why."

"I... fine. I'll get you lunch, Rei." Asuka squeezes Rei's hand and follows after Shinji, trailing half a block behind him.

"I was only joking."

"I know. But we're girlfriends, so I will."

"I see." Rei's eyes go from their joined hands to Asuka's face, and her smile broadens. "I love you, Asuka."

Asuka's heard those words before, on the porch of her house after her first date with Akio. He meant them then, just as Rei undoubtedly means it now. Asuka hadn't known what to say back then; she hadn't been expecting it. This time, though it catches her off guard, there's something different. Rei isn't looking for a reciprocation, as Akio had, and whatever Asuka says she gets the impression that Rei will accept it.

"I want to say it when I know I'll mean it as much as you do." 

Rei leans up, kisses Asuka on the cheek. "Take as long as you need."

"It won't be long," Asuka says. She knows this like she knows the sky is blue, that Rei loves her, that everything is going to be okay.

* * *

They've made it through the first week of the new semester with several hours of homework already assigned, though Asuka doesn't care. She stands in front of Rei's closet, examining herself in mirror as she holds one of Rei's shirts up to her body. She can glimpse behind her the sprawl of textbooks and homework they've laid out to work on Rei's bed. Predictably, Asuka's chosen to distract herself by going through Rei's clothes, scrutinizing them all.

"Why is everything in your closet either blue or grayscale?" Asuka grumbles. "We need to go shopping. You need some red."

"Is that because you think I'd look good in it, or because you want to steal it after I've worn it once?"

"Why not both? We could share."

"We could." Rei laughs quietly, wondering what Asuka would think if she ever found out Rei sometimes wore her sweatshirt during the nights Asuka didn't come over. She would find it funny, probably, or maybe endearing.

"Are you just saying that so you can make me stop talking and let you work?"

"I am entirely serious, Asuka. If you take us shopping, I won't object. You'll probably end up wearing whatever we buy more often than I do, though."

"Then what's the point?" Asuka huffs and pulls her shirt over her head, tossing it onto the foot of Rei's bed. She earns herself a surprised glance and a startled look up, which turns into a rapidly growing blush.

"Asuka, what are you doing?"

"Trying your shirt on, duh. I need to know if we're the same size."

"It's small, medium, or large!"

"Still doing it." Asuka winks and begins to slip her arms into Rei's shirt, stopping when she feels something warm press against her from behind. "What're _you_ doing?"

"You look better," Rei says. Her fingers trace the lining of Asuka's pants, which sits on the curve of her hips rather than threatening to slip off at any moment. There are the raised bumps of Asuka's scars, but nothing new- Rei hasn't had to bandage her up yet, and she hopes to keep it that way.

"I feel better, I guess." Asuka reaches back, placing a hand to Rei's cheek.

"You guess?"

"I... Don't take this the wrong way, Rei. It's just hard to believe that you love me sometimes."

"Why's that?"

"Everyone who's said they've loved me ended up hurting me. My parents, Akio." Her smile begins to fade from her eyes as she looks away from the mirror, her hand sliding back down to her side to grip the fabric of Rei's shirt. "I know you won't. I'm just afraid of it."

"Do you believe I would be capable of it?"

Asuka's shoulders slump, and she leans into Rei's touch. "No. You wouldn't. When you say you love me, I know you mean it. I can hear it."

"I guess that's a start. Now put your shirt back on, Asuka. I don't want mom walking in and seeing you like this."

"You're the one who's stopping me."

"I suppose that's true." Rei releases Asuka and steps back, grabbing her shirt from the bed and holding it out. By that time, Asuka's already slipped into Rei's shirt and turned around, advancing toward her.

"Official verdict is that we're the same size," she says, placing her hands on Rei's shoulders. Rei rolls her eyes gently and leans forward to receive Asuka's kiss, delivered lightly to her lips.

"I'd never have guessed." Rei smiles and presses the side of her face to Asuka's shoulder, basking in the warmth of it, in its rigidity. Asuka's still a long way from being _well_ , but she's eating, and she's smiling more. Rei doesn't want to be as arrogant as to think that it might be because Asuka has her. "You know I'm proud of you, Asuka."

"For what? For this? Be proud of yourself. You're the one who got me through it all."

"Not necessarily. You're the one who came to me."

The wind ruffles the curtains in the silence that follows. Asuka raises a hand to Rei's back, placing it just below the edges of her hair, fingers reaching up occasionally to play with the ends of it.

"Well," Asuka says, "I guess we'll just have to agree that... it was both of us."

"Both of us. Yes."

They're quiet again. There isn't anything that needs to be said now- their embrace says it all for them. Or rather, it's Rei who's speaking through it. Asuka finds her throat tightening, not with sadness as she's used to, but something else. She must've made a sound of discomfort, for Rei angles her chin upwards to kiss Asuka on the cheek, eyes shining with concern.

"I'm alright," Asuka says.

"Are you really?"

"I am. I just don't know how to say it."

"Say what?"

Asuka ignores this, walks back over to the mirror and stares at herself, smoothing down Rei's shirt with her hands. "Think this looks good, Rei?"

"I like it on you. It matches your eyes."

"That's what I was thinking."

Asuka grins and places a hand on Rei's desk so she can lean against it. There, Rei thinks, is the Asuka from before- a little more weary, but happy. She reaches for the collar of Rei's shirt, beginning to pull it off.

"Wait," says Rei. "Keep it on."

"What, you don't want your shirt back?"

"It looks good. You can have it. I don't wear that one much, anyway."

"The one shirt I like, you never wear? This is exactly why we need to go shopping together." Asuka walks forward until she's standing in front of Rei, so close that Rei can count all the freckles around her eyes. "Fine. I get to keep this, but you have to come over some time and try all of my stuff on. Then you take one, and we'll be even. Deal?"

"Deal. It's a date."

Asuka's cheeks flare a soft pink color. The pressure on her throat lessens, like Rei's acceptance is a relief she doesn't know she's been searching for. She rests her forehead against Rei's, feels Rei's breath tickle her skin. Now's the time to say the words that have been evading her since their first walk to school, that she's tried to make herself tell Rei, but failed to find the right moment. "I love you," she whispers.

Rei opens her mouth, tries to find something to say in reply. Asuka's lips brush against hers, a slower, more refined repeat of their first kiss up on the overpass. Rei closes her eyes and throws her arms around Asuka's neck, pulling them together. Some things just can't be answered with words.

* * *

With nothing to do after school on three days out of five, Asuka has taken to walking home with Rei. Sometimes Shinji and Kaworu come along, but most times they don't- Kaworu's always taking Shinji to see one place or another; one time Asuka thought she saw them standing in a pet shop, admiring the fish tanks.

She won't complain- any time spent with just Rei is something she'll treasure. Rei is of the same mindset, voicing no opposition to Asuka's detours. Today she's stopped to get them ice cream- Rei's in a cone, hers in a cup. There's usually something odd about eating ice cream in winter, but it's of no concern. If Rei gets cold, she has Asuka; if Asuka gets cold, she won't show it until they've reached one of their houses, and then Rei will take hold of Asuka's freezing hands and hold them till they've warmed up.

Asuka's long since ditched her cup in a trash can by the road, but Rei is still eating hers, licking at the drops trying to escape down the side of her cone. Asuka's hand, in hers, is still recovering from clutching the cup. Asuka herself is unperturbed, like the cold is just another annoyance she'll face and conquer with Rei at her side.

They reach a familiar curve in the road, and up ahead is the overpass, rising to connect the two major parts of town. Asuka pauses at the edge of the curb, staring down the road that leads toward it. Her eyes have gone distant; no longer is she with Rei, but somewhere else- maybe on the overpass the night she and Rei went to it, or trying to remember something about this place that Rei herself might not know.

"Asuka? What is it?" Rei asks.

"I was just thinking about how things might've been. What could've happened if I'd noticed sooner."

"Noticed that I like you?"

"Yeah. I never would've gotten with him. Maybe things wouldn't have gotten this bad."

Rei stands on her toes to press a kiss to Asuka's cold cheek. "Don't worry about things like that. You're not doing yourself any good."

"It might've been nice," Asuka says. "But I guess you're right."

"I'm always right."

"Are you really?"

It's not a question, but a concession. Here's one thing Rei has picked up faster than Akio, and better than anyone else: Asuka's admissions of her wrongs never come in straight sentences. It's a bit of Asuka's pride that's made it unchanged through the year; difficult, but endearing.

"Of course I'm right. I'm dating you, aren't I?"

"That's true." Asuka shuffles her feet on the sidewalk, looks down nervously. "What do you think about coming to my place this time?"

"I wouldn't mind. Are you sure it'll be alright?"

"Well..." Asuka bites her lower lip, then nods, like she's managed to convince herself of something. "How about this. We'll go to my place. We're throwing out the razors. And then you're trying on all my shirts, and if my parents start fighting, we'll go to your house."

Rei bites down the last of her ice cream cone and slips her sugar-dusted fingers between Asuka's. "That sounds fine," she says. "And what if your parents don't fight?"

"Then you stay with me. Right?"

Rei nods and tugs on Asuka's hand, pulling them towards the overpass. It's agreed, then, what they'll do. One way or the other, they'll still be together, and it won't matter whose window they'll be climbing through. As they reach the top of the overpass, Asuka turns her head, intending to press her lips against Rei's cheek. Rei, it turns out, had the same idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I actually couldn't think of a summary for this one so I'll let the tags speak for me. Also if this seems really similar to Perihelion it's because I wrote Perihelion and this back to back._

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Star Shopping](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11421246) by [Xairathan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xairathan/pseuds/Xairathan)




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